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A freshers’ guide to the nine most generic Edinburgh club nights you’ve got to attend at least once

9am tutorial? Who is she?

Believe it or not, it has been almost a month since the new wave of Edinburgh freshers hit the capital and began uni life. At this point, it’s easy to fall into a routine and stick to what you know. However, there is a whole city out there to explore and boogie the night away in (or bob your head mindlessly to D&B – whatever floats your boat).

Here are nine must-visit Edinburgh clubs that all freshers must at least pop into to strawpedo an Apple and Mango VK. Disclaimer: you must be utterly gazebo-ed to tolerate the smell and grime of half of them.

1. Juju Club – Eastside, George Street

Pros: Extremely popular amongst freshers and the drinks are super cheap. Have a play on the inflatables to satisfy your inner five-year-old.

Cons: It’s 98 per cent Pollock and entails quite a bit of queuing – be it for entry, drinks, and now street food! A moment of silence for the poor soul who ever spills his street food onto a Pollock girl’s baby pink velvet flares – those girls know how to fight.

Wear: Flares, headbands, a Depop top, and don’t forget your North Face or Canada Goose for the queues. Allegedly, guys don’t get in if they’re not wearing a Schöffel.

Song to sum it up: Flowers (Sunship Edit)

2. Hive – Niddry Street

Always a messy night

Pros: No comment. However, if you fancy a spot of off-season ice skating, then why not take a trip to the ladies’ loos to cha cha slide through the chun spewed up by the freshers.

Cons: The smell. The people. The sweat. Smells like sick.

Wear: Anything you are happy to throw away in the morning. Or wash seven times in a row.

Song to sum it up: Come On Eileen – Dexy's Midnight Runners

3. La Belle Angele – Cowgate

I just love bass!!!!!

Pros: Dutti stinkin' bass all night long. Each to their own.

Cons: Quite often full of fake bass fans. It gets super hot and sweaty, but don't worry – you can cool off in the smoking area which fits approximately two people max. Logistics.

Wear: Think head-to-toe vintage Adidas, Palace, and Champion, paired with Air Force 1s and rave shades. Bucket hat optional. No one will know you're from the Home Counties – trust me.

Song to sum it up: No Problem – Chase & Status

4. Why Not – George Street

Pros: The club photography is breath-taking. If you fancy a new Facebook DP, then this is the place to be. The tunes bang and actually have lyrics, which is a welcome change from the DnB-infested depths of Cowgate. As a final bonus, the smoking area is even fitter than the club photos.

Cons: It will come as no surprise that with a sexy club comes spenny drinks prices. To make matters worse, with spenny prices come the LED Belvedere bottle-buying arseholes who are willing to splash such cash.

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Absolute legends. No, really.

Wear: Attire here really depends on where you’re from – the locals go quite dressy, whilst the students tend to opt for the staple ‘jeans and a nice top’ vibe.

Song to sum it up: I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

5. Espionage – Cowgate

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What strange theme is this

Pros: It's banging if you play hockey.

Con: You have to play hockey. Any non-hockey players who turn up will be treated not dissimilarly to a pro-Brexit Trump supporter. Those who do play hockey, however, will end up on GossipGuy.

Wear: Not of huge importance – there will be VK split all over it by the end of the night anyway.

Song: Take Me Home, Country Roads – John Denver

6. Big Cheese – Potterrow

Pros: An absolute classic. From the first night of Freshers' Week till 4th year, Big Cheese will always have your back.

Cons: The societies who sesh there can get quite annoying, and also weirdly patriotic and territorial. The name is also an issue, with Big Cheese sounding more like the colloquial name of some horrible yeast infection as opposed to a club.

Wear: High prevalence of themed outfits – you'll be wearing anything from a Roman toga to a Teletubby outfit to a bin bag – depends on how weird your team or club is.

Song to sum it up: Reach up for the Stars – S Club 7

7. Rascals – Bourbon, Frederick Street

What a squad

Pros: Rascals club goers are genuinely the fittest people in Edinburgh. Go there in the hopes of pulling a seven at the very least.

Cons: The clubbers are intimidatingly cool. Being around such attractive people does nothing for your self-esteem.

Wear: The girls look insane with the most 'on fleek' makeup Edinburgh has ever seen, whilst the guys ooze swagger in their caps and branded attire. Dress to impress here.

Song: Drake singles, Drake features, and Drake album tracks.

8. Garibaldi's – Hanover Street

Pros: Everyone and anyone ends up there at the end of the night, be it from clubs, raves, or even post boozy dinner party. There is also a stripper’s pole in the corner. Say no more.

Cons: One second it’s dead and comprised of a few old men, and the next it is packed with a 15 minute queue outside. The drinks prices are extortionate to make up for the free entry, but who can refuse a Gazza’s special?

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Mood lighting? Or pitch black to hide the grime

Wear: Come as you are – but girls coming from black-tie events should without a doubt change from heels – unless, of course, they actively want to lose a toe.

Song: What Makes You Beautiful – One Direction

9. Creme Soda – Lulu, George Street

Pros: Rugby boys attend.

Cons: Rugby boys attend. You will also leave the club covered in carpet burns from rubbing up against their tweed jackets.

Wear: Tweed for the lads and typical George Street club attire for the gals.

Song: Hot in Herre – Nelly