Someone got called a prostitute by a Scottish schoolboy
We all know the feeling when we wake up in a stranger's bed after a banging (quite literally) night out, and come to the sad realisation that somehow we have to find a way home, despite rocking our very obvious clubbing attire from the night before.
If we are super unlucky, we'll have gone out in a toga or a sexy nun costume for some sports social. Uber is an undesirable option as you know the driver will definitely judge you, and you'll have to make awkward small talk about the weather in attempt to divert their attention away from your hugely embarrassing get-up.
The final option is walking. This entails bumping into anyone and everyone from judgemental joggers, to innocent schoolchildren. There really is no easy way out.
We spoke to a bunch of saucy minxes from around Edinburgh, to find out what they get up to on their naughty nights out, and how the poor souls manage to make it home the next morning.
"Look, it's a prostitute!"
After smoothly exiting his flat and trying to act cool, calm and collected, I decided to take an Uber back to my halls, due to the fact I was still wearing my dress and heels from the night before. To my dismay, the app wouldn’t load, and time was rapidly running out. I needed to make it back before everyone started heading to morning lectures.
Too embarrassed to go back inside and ask to use his Uber, I decided – in my panicked and most likely still drunken state – that fast-walking home was my only option. It was going well and I was moving at a surprisingly good pace, until I had to start battling through the huge swathes of little Scottish children on their way to school.
One of them loudly exclaimed “look, it's a prostitute!” to his wee mates, who all erupted into laughter. It was absolutely mortifying.
I defied all odds and made it back just in time, before people started heading to lectures, but not before my 'friend' was able to film my not-so-secretive entrance and put it on Snapchat for all to see. Never again. –Rosie, 19
"I walked into a random hotel and burst out crying"
When I was in Barcelona two years ago, I was on a night out and I had my phone stolen outside the club. I ended up staying with a boy, but in the morning when I called the taxi, I realised I didn’t know the number of the apartment I was staying at, nor the street it was on, or any of landmarks it was near to.
Obviously I had no phone to contact my friends on to find out the address, and only had five euros in my purse. I ended up walking around Barcelona in my outfit and makeup from the night before for around three hours (between 6-9am). Eventually, I walked into a random hotel and burst out crying. They called the police and eventually got me home. – Paige, 21
"I grabbed the bike and pedalled topless, in the cold"
The vibrant hum of the party’s music is dulled in this room. There’s only me, her, and a cool breeze playing against the sweat on my back. There were three rapid knocks on the door. I hastily disengage while she hides under the covers. I get a trouser-leg on, but not much else. My dignity is plain to see once the door opens, and my arch-nemesis is there.
If this girl was an angel, a valkyrie, this motherfucker was like Thor. I’m 15 at this point, this guy is 22. He’s been out of school since 16 and all he’s been doing is forging himself into a bigger, nastier being. I know when I’m beat. He moves forward. The angles are calculated. I don’t bother explaining.
He knows me and his sister have had something going on. Ever since she asked for my BBM, he had his suspicions, and when I put her name in status bar, his suspicions were confirmed.
The window felt a lot higher up than it was. I remember expecting to fall for a lot longer, but it was a pretty pathetic flop. I picked myself up, my shoulder was pretty fucked but I was alright. I saw a bike there, and fuck it, I already slept with the host’s sister.
I grabbed the bike, and pedalled. Topless. In the cold. It probably took me about a couple hours to get home, before I realised my mum was out and I didn’t have keys.
I slept on a bench in my garden, after breaking into my own shed and stealing a couple jackets to use as a duvet. I had the worst night’s sleep of my life. It was just me, my guilty thoughts, and a dirty bench. I later gave the bike to the friend of a friend to give to the guy. I have never cycled since. – Tom, 21
"I was on holiday with my friend and her family and ended up getting with her cousin"
I was on holiday with my friend and her family and ended up getting with her cousin. I stayed the night in his hotel room, and woke up early the next morning in a panic over how I was going to leave his and get back to my room without anyone seeing me.
I heard a commotion outside the door and decided now was the time to run for it before any other family members were up and about. I made it to the lift, but just as the doors were closing, his dad jumped in the lift with me. He asked why I was up so early and I awkwardly blurted out that I had been swimming – despite no signs of a swimming costume or wet hair. The rest of the holiday was very fun indeed. – Lorna, 19
"Strange Balinese men laughed at me"
When I was in Bali I was doing a walk of shame home and got lost, so I was wandering around for about half an hour whilst strange Balinese men laughed at me and asked me if I had had a good night. There was a lot of wolf whistling involved. – Hattie, 20
"We realised we were not in Edinburgh anymore"
It was back in first year and I had dragged a few friends to a club opening for a night my friend was running. We weren't having the best of times, but we'd got dressed up and it was fun enough. Me and another friend were getting it on with two guys from a group, and we decided to go home with them.
We got in the taxis, and there seemed to be nothing wrong but we were driving for ages. It was only when we saw the Forth Road Bridge that we realised we were not in Edinburgh anymore. We just thought, hey, fuck it, nothing can be done now.
The next morning, after a very disrupted sleep – I had been piled on in the night and she had got with another guy as the original one fell asleep – we had no idea where we even were. We eventually figured it out and put our dresses and heels back on and walked to the train station.
We had to take a half an hour train ride back in, along with old people, and a family with a baby. Our feet were killing in heels so we had to then get another taxi back from the station. We couldn't help but laugh. It was such a ridiculous situation, and at least we weren't alone. – Chloe, 21
"The looks I was getting in the first five minutes of the walk convinced me to order an Uber"
I went from a Halloween party to Potterrow, dressed up as a cat with a miniskirt and tail attached to the back (disclaimer: this person is male). After waking up in the morning a good 20 minute walk away from my flat, I was properly dreading the return journey.
A combination of the hangover and the looks I was getting in the first five minutes of the walk convinced me to order an Uber for the rest of the journey to save me from further humiliation. – Ollie, 22
"Subtlety is key"
The first social of the year is always the same. You bring out your old school uniform and meet as many other keen freshers as possible, whilst making your way through copious volumes of milk, spaghetti hoops and whatever else you may be summoned to consume.
For this reason, I spent the evening feeling very much comfortable in my outfit, blissfully unaware that it would look very out of place anywhere else. In the foreign territory of his halls the next sunny morning, I woke to the realisation that I would have to not only leave in a clandestine manner to avoid odd stares, but I'd also have to trek past the hoards of hungover first years who were on their way to breakfast.
My plaid skirt and VK-stained white shirt could not have looked more out of place if it had tried, amongst the sea of Kappa trackies and vintage clothing. Fortunately, in these early days, faces were just recognisable at best, so I thought I had made it back to my room safely.
This was apparently not the case, as the warden in my halls spotted me down the corridor and handed me some pearls of wisdom: "First lesson of the year: subtlety is key". – Becky, 19
"Breakfast and a debrief"
I got with a guy I'd flirted a lot with in first year and ended up going back with him and staying the night. After getting up and realising where I was the next morning, I left his and walked two minutes down the road to my best friend's flat to have breakfast and a debrief. Not really a walk of shame, to be honest – more like a walk of gains. – Katie, 21