Introducing the ‘Morrissey boy’: The moody indie prick you know and shouldn’t love

You’ll quickly figure that their Nietzsche quotes become less profound with every line


Rolly in hand, headphones in, a sombre expression and a derogatory nod at anyone they deem too merry: this is the indie boy who is perpetually miserable, lacks enthusiasm and will judge you for not knitting your own socks in this big bad corporate world. This is what I like to refer to as the Morrissey boy.

For those of you who don't know, Morrissey is the lead singer of 80's band The Smiths, and whilst the music is actually decent, he promotes an aesthetic of hating humanity on a political basis (capitalism is bad!) and an arrogance that is inherent to this specific kind of indie boy.

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'You're really telling me you've only read Lolita once?'

If you still don't know who I mean, look for the boy smoking outside the library with his head down, or watch Greta Gerwig's Oscar nominated film 'Ladybird' and follow Timothee Chalamet's character. He's the kind of guy who writes poetry about getting his heart broken whilst texting multiple girls. A dickhead basically.

The worst thing is, most girls will fancy these Morrissey boys, because on a surface level they'll have a great sense of social justice, are extroadinarily well read and put you in your place when you challenge them. He's not a wet blanket and it's refreshing. They also tend to have floppy blonde locks and a great sense of fashion – because they'll splash out on expensive Urban Outfitters gear in an attempt to match their indie persona.

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Selfies do not suffice for the pricky indie boys

If you think about it they're still in a 12-year-old mindset where everything is 'so uncool' at an age when most people have learnt to let loose a little and tend to make a tit out of themselves. That's probably why we like them, they make us feel cooler than what we are because they've got a stick up their arse – their angsty-ness makes us feel more sophisticated and glad to be chosen by them because of their impeccable taste in life.

However, you'll quickly figure that their Nietzsche quotes become less profound with every line and after the first few times of being serenaded by their Fender stratocaster, the butterflies will no longer mask the fact that they're just a bit shit at it.

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The Morrissey boy loves black and white as it reflects his world view and accentuates his features

They're just as absorbed in their image as every other person in this world, despite their beliefs. They're really fucking boring and are the type of people who won't go clubbing – not because they're tired, but because they judge drunk people for having a good time. They think they're better than everyone they've ever met and if you actually want to have a fun life, you should avoid them like the plague.

This is a fashion trend, and if you're lucky enough to actually have a positive world view, don't try and be pessimistic to be cool. Some people are actually unhappy for reasons they can't control (and it's okay for them to be sad because it's honest, for the record), so if you want to look broody for reasons of attractiveness and popularity, you're a dickhead.

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You're allowed to smile, you know?

It's also okay to be angry at the world, I agree that capitalism is bad and we live in a place where bad things happen. But for fuck's sake, the people who appreciate that things are shit and try and change it with a smile on their face rather than adding to the perpetual misery we see in the news – they're the true heroes of the 21st century.

If you look at Morrissey now, he's a washed up arsehole, and if the broody indie boys don't turn into nice indie boys, I'm sure that's what will happen to them too.

The Tab Edinburgh

last seen today at 03:24

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