Introducing your Tab Edinburgh December horoscope
Are you ready to RETROGRADE!?
2017 has surely been a mad one. But don’t worry guys, Mercury retrograde is here to top it all off with one more shitstorm – right in the heat of exam season as well, good stuff.
Introducing, your Tab Edinburgh horoscope.
Sagittarius (21 Nov- 21 Dec)
This month is looking jam-packed, with Mercury retrograde beginning on December 2 in your sign! The new moon on the 17th brings good luck – so, good news if you’re one of the unlucky ones here past the 18th, maybe some potential for making prolonged eye contact with your library crush? The winter solstice illuminates the financial sector of your chart this month, so don’t go spending all of your Chrimbo money on overpriced draaanks this Hogmanay – even though, who are we kidding?
Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan)
This Mercury retrograde is all about taking care of things around the home for you, Cappy. So, just suck it up and tell your flatmates that you’re not going to live with them next year. On the start of the winter solstice, the sun enters your sign. It’s all about you, superstar – as you eat a ready meal alone in your icebox kitchen because all of your exams are super late and your flatmates have fucked off.
Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb)
This month is looking to be a wee bit stressful in the social sector, hopping from Christmas market to Christmas dinner to Christmas party to after-party to it being 6am and you’re in Leith and it’s time to call an uber.
Pisces (19 Feb- 20 March)
The new moon on the 17th is all about getting out there, Pisces. So maybe do some charity? Go door to door singing some carols? That is of course until Donna from upstairs leaves a passive aggressive note at your door. Yeah, you’re well aware that some of us have to be up early tomorrow. But this month is all about getting festive for you! Hell, invite all of your friends over for Monday night pres and get evicted! Get a real fresh start to 2018.
Aries (21 March- 19 April)
This December marks more than just the holidays for you, Aries. Big tings are happening in your love sector – so, get that mistletoe ready! Or, it could just be a string of sloppy drunk Hive pulls? Mercury is in retrograde, after all.
Taurus (20 April – 20 May)
The full moon this month brings serious dosh your way. But, be careful and don’t go splurging it on retail therapy. Oh, who am I kidding, look at you go, my little Prince of Princes Street. The end of the month mellows out, so enjoy being back home and having awkward run-ins with people you went to school with. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, comeback season.
Gemini (21 May – 20 June)
Stay organised this retrograde, Gemmy. It seems like this month you’re all over the place. How could you balance the guilt of being too poor to buy Christmas gifts, exams, and end-of-semester burnout in one go? But don’t worry, I believe in you. The end of the month plays out really smoothly for you, so enjoy being home and being the center of attention. Mum can’t spoil you with mugs of tea on demand during term time.
Cancer (21 June – 22 July)
The full moon brings a need for quiet time. So, don’t feel bad for turning down an invite for a post-library pint. Have a duvet day, or two, or three, like – until it starts to become a bit gross. But don’t worry, you deserve it! The new moon on the 17th will have everything falling into place, you’re all packed up to go home, you get to the library before 11 am, unlike all of your mates – you don’t have a crippling cold, you get what I mean.
Leo (23 July – 22 August)
The full moon means a big buzz in your social life this month. Get all of the tequila shots, hangovers, and regrets out of your system before exam time hits, Leo. You’ll be basically camping out on fourth by the 15th.
Virgo (23 August – 22 September)
You’re finding it hard to concentrate this retrograde, so take some time off. Go for a walk, head to the Highlands, change your identity, grow your hair until nobody recognises you, start selling some shitty landscape paintings, I reckon your 60p library fine will still be here when you get back.
Libra (23 September – 22 October)
You’re feeling hella festive this December, Libra. Like, almost annoyingly festive. We’ve been to the Christmas markets 3 times already ffs. Are those £7 potato things on a stick really that good.
Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)
The full moon might have you feeling a bit insecure. Worried that you won’t do well on your exams? Worried that you’re wasting 9 grand a year for what is essentially a 10-month long hangover and access to J Stor? Worried that your pals from home are gonna notice that you’ve gotten a bit chubbier? But don’t worry – just blame it all on Mercury retrograde.
See you all in 2018, my little star signs.
Ben Glasgow – Hector’s House, Milk Tuesdays
Davild Wilkinson// EMPIRICAL – Rascals, Fiktion
James Gourlay – Juju
Apex Creatives – Frat Wednesdays