The Tatler Guide to Edinburgh Uni is out and it’s obviously incredibly tragic, darling

“John Burnett is rumoured to be the most expensive digs in Europe, which is why it’s the realm of Russian princesses.”

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Edinburgh Uni has been desperately trying to rid itself of its yah image for years now.

From raiding Armstrong’s fancy dress section for shell suits, to dressing up as Chavs to win money in Why Not, Edi students have gone to great lengths in attempts to combat the ‘Daddy’s money’ stereotype.

Enter Tatler and its Guide to Edinburgh University, which has only gone and damn near undermined that legacy.

So we thought we’d go through it, tip by misguided tip, to see just how wrong Tatler has got it this time.

How to get in

“Be English. Native Scots are entitled to free tuition, so Scottish unis will welcome you and your £9,000pa with open arms.”

Let’s be honest, if you’re the kind of person who would choose to spend 4.5 Great British Pounds on an issue of Tatler, or even take the time to read it online, you’ve probably got this one in the bag.

Nonetheless, Tatler do not want you to worry, children of England, because your money will pave the way for you. It wasn’t like you were getting in off your own merit, was it?

Top subjects

“Art, business and geosciences.” 

Actually, Tatler, it’s linguistics, veterinary science and English literature. Hopefully no one got paid to do absolutely no research for this sad excuse for an article.

Doss subject

“Health, science and society – as the prospectus says, exams for this ‘are kept to a minimum’. What’s not to love?” 

Oh my god, it’s literally just a middle aged woman writing this after flicking through the prospectus, isn’t it? Some of us actually want to learn, Denise. Maybe we want a few exams in return for tens of thousands of pounds in student loan debt.

Where you want to live

“Pollock Halls is social central, with daily pre-drinks in the pantries. Chancellor’s Court rivals a hotel – the rooms are pretty swish. Holland is scruffier, but throws the best parties. John Burnett is rumoured to be the most expensive digs in Europe, which is why it’s the realm of Russian princesses.”

Can we all take a minute to just imagine the shame of not getting a room in the social central of the universe that is Pollock Halls? Where would you possibly pre if you didn’t have a pantry? What do you mean you have to cook for yourself? Where do the help live?

Also, Holland “throws the best parties”? sorry but Holland is literally known for being The Worst place to live socially. This is the problem with writing a guide to a university you’ve never fucking been to.

Plus, in reality, we all know that Russian princesses live in Quartermile and would never lower themselves to sharing a wall with someone in Pollock.

God help you if you end up in Grant

Where you don’t

“Beaverbank – no one will ever find you.”

The last thing we heard was that Beaverbank had become something like Lord of the Flies.

Where to drink

“You can literally inhale beer as you walk through the city, thanks to the number of breweries. Pubs are infinite. The Boozy Cow, Candy Bar and Dragonfly are all good for cocktails.”

Hardly.

Avoid

“Buckfast – a caffeinated, fortified wine that is totally horrible but very Scottish (although it’s actually from Devon).”

THIS IS IT. This is the line being crossed. This is too. far. Not only calling one of the most culturally significant items of the country of Scotland “totally horrible” but then trying to reclaim it as English? Have a sit down.

Honestly, if you could sum up Anglo-Scottish history for the last thousand years in one sentence this would be it.

Best night out

“The uni is slowly shaking off its Hooray Henry, dinner-party rep. Why Not? nightclub on Mondays is a freshers’ favourite, while Cab Vol (Cabaret Voltaire) offers something a tad more grimy and alternative.”

Yeah, a Hooray Henry, dinner-party rep given to us BY PUBLICATIONS LIKE YOU. Absolute scenes.

As well as this, the use of the words “grimy and alternative” here signifes that this person has not been within five miles of a club in the last 12 years. And definitely not to Cab Vol.

Celeb Alumni

“Kirsty Wark, Charles Darwin, Dame Stella Rimmington.” 

They couldn’t even be bothered to Google and check that they’d spelt the name right of the first woman Director General of the Mi5, Dame Stella Rimington. HOW MUCH IS THIS PERSON BEING PAID. BECAUSE WHATEVER IT IS IT’S TOO MUCH.

Don’t miss

“Climbing Arthur’s Seat on the day you graduate (read the book/see the film One Day).”

Nobody does this.

Top Tip

“But DON’T go through the gates of Edinburgh Castle before you graduate. Or you won’t ever graduate, so the superstition goes.” 

No, you’ll just end up spending your days writing Tatler guides to universities you haven’t been to or managed to graduate from.