Custard creams, baubles and a gigolo: Your weirdest school play roles

Some poor bloke played a rectum

Everybody has heard the same old story about how they once played a tree in their school play.

Or if you’ve seen Love Actually, you’ll know all about how adorable little Daisy played the “first lobster” in her  school’s nativity play. “There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?”, her mother responds astonished.

Some schools, however, were clearly even more creative in their casting decision.

We asked around and came across a gigolo, an English Custard and a carbohydrate that later gets expelled from the rectum, to name but a few. No wonder that people say that arts education in the UK is in such a dire state.

Honor, The University of Edinburgh, ‘Carbohydrate’:

Just a wee little Carb

In her early days at primary school, Honor was in a musical about the digestive system. She was delighted to have been selected to play a carbohydrate – one of the most important food groups in the play.

In the latter half of the performance, a poor bloke ran on the stage and screamed “I am the rectum”. Immediately after this, various members of the food group ran off stage.

When asked about this experience, Honor commented:

“I got pooed out. Not everyone got pooed out though”.

Bobby, University of Leeds, ‘Christmas Bauble’:

Bobby is a seasoned professional when it comes to theatre. He once starred as Troy Bolton in a school production of High School Musical.

Got his head in the game

His first experience on stage, however, was playing a Christmas bauble in his school’s nativity play.

“My best mate was playing Joseph and I was a fucking bauble on a Christmas tree”.

What a pretty bauble

And things didn’t improve from there, either: “I was also a nit-themed musician with a giant cardboard nit comb as a guitar”, he told us.

Laura, University of Manchester, ‘The Yellow Brick Road’:

The lead role

Laura too is no stranger to the stage.

I’ve been in so many shows. I have too many stories like this. I’ve played a storm, an ox and even ‘Noah’s Daughter-in-law’ in a play about Noah’s Arc”.

A re-enactment

Her finest role, however, was playing the yellow brick road in the Wizard of Oz. She literally just walked on wearing a yellow sheet.

Esmée, University of Edinburgh, ‘English Custard’:

She received a five star review at the Edinburgh Fringe playing Shakespeare’s Titania, but her most challenging role to date was as an English custard in a French play.

I was in a  play at my school in France called ‘LuLu Petit Beurre’, which is a type of French biscuit and we were all different items you’d find in a food pantry.

And since I could speak English I was cast as the English Custard, had to go on stage and sing ‘So Long, Farewell’ from the sound of music and then left the pantry to be eaten”.

Esmée soon learnt that that is just how the cookie crumbles.

Felix, University of Edinburgh, ‘Gigolo’:

Despite his cherubic looks, Felix had to play a rather risqué role during his time at Radley.

Look at that innocent smile

Felix, who was cast as a gigalo, had to walk onto stage in a gimp outfit before being beaten up by another prostitute.

He refused to provide us with a picture of him in this role, citing that  he looked “scarier than the gimp from Pulp Fiction” as his reason.