What Hive is like when you’re stone cold sober

Neither the idea of a trashy club full of wasted locals, nor potentially playing part in a story that may end up on the Daily Mail ever seemed very appealing to me.  And so, brace yourselves, I have never been to Hive.

To go to Hive sober, though, and just observe the fabled club and its occupants seemed like a great challenge. I steadfastly accepted and dragged a Hive guru, and a brawny Russian (to act as my body guard) down to Niddry Street for what ended up being one of the craziest nights of my life.

It all started when we were honoured with a VIP card from the guy at the till, only because the brawny Russian told him he doesn’t like Hive. This made me even more sceptical, and so I prepared myself for the worst.

I’m very important

I was pleasantly surprised to actually find myself enjoying Hive. Good music, good people and the laidback atmosphere were the last thing I was anticipating. No one was taking themselves seriously and I was having a lot of fun, until the place started getting really crowded.

This is when I realised why people consider it a horror to go there sober. The madness around you becomes so overwhelming, that you either escape or drown in it. And the crowd became quite unique, to say the least.

Hive pals are life pals

Have you ever wondered, what your next-door neighbour “weird Phil” or that group of Satanists that are always on the Royal Mile, do on their nights out?

They go to Hive.

As it was Halloweekend, everyone was out in their costumes. Which varied from a banana, to two musketeers, and even a medieval knight (or should I say a guy in a T-shirt and a knight helm?).

Where’s the third musketeer?

By this point I thought I had seen everything. Until I saw The Joker at the bar, helping wasted and defeated Batman to stand up and continue drinking.

My eyes felt violated.

The Joker, Batman, Jon Snow, and an unidentifiable

In the main room they play chart hits that you probably haven’t heard since 2011.  The dance floor was full the whole night but I was still able to dance (despite Spiderman and Simba constantly falling over me). In the side room playing 90s grunge, however, it was almost impossible to dance among the convulsing drunks.

As the night was winding down, I had seen every level of terrible attempts at Michael Jackson’s Thriller dance, my shoes were sticking to the stevo covered floor, and being surrounded by wasted first years was starting to feel normal. I felt high, even without taking any substances, but not high enough to take part in the surreal performance.

It was officially time to call it a night when four security guards rushed to the middle of a dance floor to break up a sloppy fight. It simply became dangerous to stay there – especially while sober.

Although I was disgustingly sober, and spent the majority of my night escaping overly flirtatious drunks, it was a proper crazy night out.

Everyone needs to experience Hive while sober at least once in a lifetime.