Vote now: What’s the worst thing in Edinburgh uni?

Yes, you can pick The Tab


Tourists
We get it. Edinburgh is a beautiful city and foreigners should enjoy it, but move the fuck out of our way and stop walking so slowly. Some people have places to be, like wasting an hour of our lives in a Business lecture. Tourists looking at Greyfriar’s Bobby are the worst. It’s a fucking dog, the story is 100% bullshit, and stop rubbing its bloody nose!

Cranes
Edinburgh is the crane capital of the world. Regardless of where you are in central Edinburgh, I guarantee there’s a crane in your line of sight. I appreciate that the city is trying to improve itself, but they’re ruining the city for the people that are here now. You can’t take a cute picture of the castle without a fucking crane being in the way. And let’s not get started on the construction around McEwan Hall.

Pigeons
The pigeons in Edinburgh are more brazen than pigeons in any other city. Edinburgh’s pigeons will take every slight opportunity, no matter how small, to ruin your day. They don’t give a dastardly fuck that you paid for the chippy and don’t want to share. They will make themselves at home in your kitchen when you leave the window just a tiny wee bit open. They will purposefully stand in your path when you’re late for a lecture, like villainous highwaymen. Fuck pigeons.

English People
Not only did English people insist on colonising this beautiful Caledonian land, they now insist on inflicting themselves on the natives for four years because they didn’t get into Oxbridge. Reflecting on how quaint Scotland is and discussing your accent in front of you whilst clad in Canada Goose parkas, which are quite literally meant for Arctic temperatures you landed gentry fuck, they take all the nicest rooms in Pollock and all the biggest flats in New Town. Northern people seem to think they get away with it. We’re just like you, they think. We’re just the wrong side of Hadrian’s Wall. Nope, no you’re not, the Duke of Cumberland beat the Jacobite rebellion. So fuck off and let us enjoy our democratic socialism without paying for uni.

The Big Cheese Queue
It’s 21:16 on a Saturday in October, it’s 8.5 degrees, probably raining and you’re literally shivering to death in the midst of a queue of 590 people. Your mates desperately try to reassure each other  that you’ll “definitely be in by quarter to 10, definitely” as you become increasingly sober, quietly eyeing the group next to you trying to push in front, pushing back into them as one of them rests an elbow on your back. Surely they have to open the doors soon. All you long for are a couple of VK’s, a snakebite and some Robbie Williams. You can’t quite believe this is what your life has come to. Welcome to Big Cheese.

These guys got in

The Wind
We all love Edinburgh, we all at least vaguely like Scotland, but we all fucking hate the wind. Ruffling and distressing your perfect hair on the way to your 9am, you woke up early for this hair, and now it’s all gone to shit. We shouldn’t be trapped into wearing hats or even worse – a Canada Goose with a hood – like craven weaklings.

Freshers taking library seats
look, your exams and essays don’t really matter. Yes, you need to get 40%, but an unconscious troll could get 40% on most of the first year exams. 3rd and 4th years actually need a proper working environment, access to library books, and a space to sit. So sayonara freshers, fuck off back to Pollock.

Canada Goose jackets
So there’s these jackets right, they’re designed for the Arctic, and they cost hundreds of pounds. Why the fuck are you wearing them in Edinburgh? Canada Goose jackets are for when it’s -30 degrees outside, not on a mild autumnal afternoon. You look like an oversized hairy mushroom, which is useful, because it lets everyone else know that you’re a twat that pays for ridiculously expensive clothing, that you don’t need, just so you can have the status symbol. Thanks for the warning.

The Tab
We’re probably going to win this poll. Do we need to say anything else? Not really.

We’re terrible people

EUSA
From raising the price of VKs to banning Strawpedoing, EUSA is the embodiment of the the student politician busy-body. Can they not let us make our own decisions? VKs contain one unit of alcohol so why does it matter how quickly you can consume it? Not only do they keep us from drinking what they want with the enthusiasm of a military policeman, they always seem to have fucking elections going. No, Francesco, I will not be voting for you for the position of trustee in the School of Education because I have no idea what that means and I couldn’t give a flying fuck. EUSA promotes the sabbs as the face of EUSA, as four happy-looking people making all the decisions, chumming together marvellously. But what they don’t give away is the faceless bureaucracy behind them, like some sort of Orwellian dystopia. Who’s really pulling the strings?

Yes Voters
With the vote over a year ago, you would have thought that they’d be over it by now, especially with Mhairi Black doing her thing in the Commons. But no, they insist on keeping their wee signs taped to their window like a notice for a lost cat, or something equally relevant. That, plus the saddos that still wear their “Yes” badges over their fleeces, makes them appear like a reality TV star whose career is slowly dying, having peaked all of a year ago, but still make fleeting appearances on TV and in Glamour headlines.

Tories
Margaret Thatcher fucked Scotland for the Tories 30 years ago. If Scotland ever elects a Conservative Scottish government I will eat one hat for every head in Scotland. But within the walls of our fair university there remains a vocal Conservative presence who change their registered address from their Home Counties safe seat to their Pollock room to give Dave and the boys a chance. Quite literally, fuck off. You will move back to London in a few years to get a job at Daddy’s firm but you’ll leave a behind a history of tax credit cuts and xenophobia.