I lost my Nando’s virginity- and it was bang average

When you tell your friends that you’ve never had a Nando’s by the ripe age of 19, you are met with varied reactions.

Some cry out in disgust and horror, followed by feverish guarantees to “not worry” and “we’ll get you there soon”.

Others will shamefully reveal their dark secret, that they never really liked Nando’s but were too afraid to enter that blasphemous realm.

But they finally got me. I staggered into the Chambers Street Nando’s, moist from the caress of Scottish drizzle, when the warm glow of the headlamps struck my face. I was led by hand to the authentic wooden table that would bear the weight of this momentous banquet. Here I found the bible of Portuguese chicken, opened to me.

What wonders do I behold here?

With a moment of clarity and maybe even the holy spirit speaking through me, I proceeded to the waitress and told her my request.

“A Churrasco Thigh Burger, with two sides, chips and salad, please”

My words were met with a swift rebuttal, “What sauce?”.

I was perplexed, how could there be this extra element to such an already perfect meal? Did she mean ketchup? What the fuck is a Peri Peri sauce?

In my shock I mumbled for the hot sauce, and suddenly it was over. My card was handed back to me and I was led by hand back to my seat. We waited a long time for our food, left isolated, stranded, parched.

When I tell you that despite asking for tap water, I helped myself to the coke at the machine, I tell you do not judge me. You were never tested as I was.

Gaze upon the face of a broken man

My companions received their servings of butterfly chicken, which according to them was a dish so perfect that looking at it directly was too much.

You should have seen the fervent look in their eyes as they praised the new messiah, “creamy mash”. They had reached a new fever pitch. Nandos was not a place now, it was a state of being. A concept incomprehensible to the mortal mind. They were in cheeky euphoria. My burger was fine I guess.

A cheeky success