I went to see 50 Shades of Grey alone

Thanks to Universal Pictures, singles across the globe have something to do this Valentine’s Day.

The popular erotic novel “50 Shades of Grey” is finally in the cinemas.

Having never read the novels I volunteered to see the film on my own on the eve of the most romantic day of the year.

My friends took the piss out of me saying I’d be the only one in the room not locking lips with my partner. Cheers guys.

My expectations were at an all time low.

“Beauty and the Beast” meets “BDSM for Dummies” perhaps?

Just lovey dovey and sexy enough to attract the crowds but not so hardcore that people would need to shower after the first sex scene.

As I prepared to leave my house I made sure I was unrecognisable.

While buying my ticket, I tried to brush off the cashier’s judgemental stare.

I could tell she thought I was a bit fucked up. But then again she looked like a person who hides a copy of the book under her pillow.

I expected the room to be completely full. But there were only two couples and one 60-year-old woman. Luckily they were all lost in each other’s eyes, too busy to notice me taking a seat at the back of the room.

The only other single lady there gave me an approving nod. You go horny old woman.

As I sat down the previews started. Unsurprisingly they showed the “Magic Mike XXL” trailer. Fetch me my inhaler.

As the film started it vaguely reminded me of Twilight – bland shy girl falls for hot and dangerous guy who is mysteriously attracted to her.

Robert Pattinson has nothing on Jamie Dornan though.

After about 15 minutes the couple in front of me started getting hot and heavy.

I tried to get a picture of them but my flash went off and the woman glared at me, I gave her a cheeky wink. They pretty much kept going the entire time.

And then FINALLY the sex scenes started.

I understood why the book was a best-seller. It has made people believe that  BDSM is always performed in a glamorous setting with a hot billionaire who is crazy about you.

I mean, she doesn’t even look in pain 90 per cent of the time.

But I won’t give too many spoilers.

Although the couples in front of me were doing their own remake of the film, I was quite happy sitting on my own. I was giggling like a school girl half the time anyway.

As Anastasia and Christian’s relationship unfolded I took a minute to analyse the dialogue. A bit cheesy in all honesty, it kind of ruined the mood. Even the enamoured couples were laughing hysterically.

Finally, after a rather rough sex scene, the film ended abruptly.

The audience didn’t move – probably too embarrassed to look at the person sitting next to them.

I hurried out, mortified by the last 10 minutes of the film.

As I looked back at the couples in the room, I just knew they were on their way to Ann Summers to buy a bondage starter kit.

Did I feel disgusting leaving the cinema?

I didn’t exactly need a cold shower. Let’s face it it’s a mildly X-rated version of Twilight with better looking leads.

And seeing it alone means no one saw my shame or my traumatised facial expressions during the film.