My literature degree ruined my childhood

Not only does an English Literature degree in no way guarantee me employment, but it’s also destroyed the innocence of a number of childhood tales for me.

Bet you didn’t get the sexual innuendos when you were five.

Winnie-the-Pooh

Good old A.A Milne showed us homosexuality is perfectly acceptable.

 Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind

“Pooh?” he whispered.

“Yes, Piglet?”

“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.” 

And you should always be sure of your first time.

Pinocchio

Carlo Collodi’s tale tells us size matters, and when you lie your list of names grows.

You can’t possibly miss the phallic symbol here.

“Lies, my dear boy, can easily be recognized. There are two kind of them: those with short legs, and those with long noses. Your kind have long noses.”  

But don’t lie. Because morning will come and you will be punished like Pinocchio. And not in the ways you might want to be.

Alice in Wonderland

Raunchy Lewis Carroll insists sex is a natural instinct to be explored.

Alice dreams of falling down a rabbit hole which, according to Freudian theory, reflects a sexual impulse for penetration.

“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir,’ said Alice, ‘Because I’m not myself you see.”  

That’s what she said.

Princess and the Pea

Hans Christian Anderson’s story tells us being kept awake all night by something hard in bed is always rewarding.

“Now they knew that she was a real princess.”

And probably felt like one all night long.

Bambi

Puberty is damned painful.

 “Your growing antlers,” Bambi continued, “are proof of your intimate place in the forest…”

Peter Pan

Childhood is wonderful.

It is so wonderful that now socially immature men are said to suffer from the Peter Pan syndrome.

“Wendy,” Peter Pan continued in a voice that no woman has ever yet been able to resist, “Wendy, one girl is more use than twenty boys.”

The Jungle Book

Third base is seriously overlooked.

“What is the Law of the Jungle? Strike first and then give tongue.”