The top-knot is the worst male fashion trend in all of human history

It’s just for ironic hipsters who wear flannel


There’s more than enough reasons why top-knots should be banned, alongside the 80s perm and the mullet.

But we only really need one – they are fucking horrible.



There’s different types: take the “the samurai” – à la Nicklas Bendtner and Harry Styles, proof that the man-bun is not a good thing.

There aren’t “Seven reasons to date a guy with a man-bun”. There’s one – so you can cut it off.

It's not even a good top-knot.

It’s not even a good top-knot.

A top-knot doesn’t “frame the face” or any of that shit you get told at the barber’s.

It’s a dick: a tiny, hairy phallus emerging from the top of your head.

Here’s proof:

Ignore the Glasto subtext, and look at that horrifying thing.

Ignore the Glasto subtext, and look at that horrifying thing

And it’s a floppy dick at that.

The only good thing to come from top-knots is it acts as a public safety warning: I am a hipster who wears flannel and pretends to have deep and meaningful conversations about how Jack White reinvented post-modernism.

Fashion and style are different things. Top-knots are fortunately a fashion, because they sure as hell aren’t stylish.

And anyone who takes their lifestyle choices off of Made in Chelsea needs to reassess their entire fucking life.

This was Proudlock for Halloween, which makes it ok.

This was Proudlock for Halloween, which makes it OK

If you’ve got long hair and need to tie it back, fine, no problem.

We’re all vain, we all have our own styles, we all look after our hair. But a man-bun is more than that.

It’s a peacock feather without the colour or the creativity. It asserts “I’m different” while being generic and making you look like a tit.

So wrong on so many levels.

So wrong on so many levels

It doesn’t matter which celebrities have been flaunting one, or how good Jake Gyllenhaal looks with his. You think he looks good because he’s a celebrity, not because he has a man-bun.

All I’m saying is that it’s time to either lose the hair-tie, or get the scissors out.