Twelve people you will come across this exam season

It’s coming, whether you’re finishing your diss or handing in the last of your end of term essays, you know that exams are just around the corner. Here are 12 permanent features of the exam season you’re bound to come across.

1. The sleep competitor.

“Oh my God, I literally slept for 3 hours last night. How long did you get?” You definitely won’t admit to the revitalising 8 hours you allow yourself on a nightly basis. No, no. This person determines how successfully revision is going (how clever you are) by how little sleep you need. You’ll commend their courageous efforts, compliment them on how fresh they look and get just a little bit excited at the thought of your 9pm hot choc and bubble bath.

 

2. The immaculate note maker.

With colour co-ordinated cue cards coming out of his arse, this chap looks like he could well have shares in Stabillo Boss.

 

3. The Holidayer.

Perhaps the most annoying of the lot. Jets off to her parents place on the Côte d’Azur for a week inbetween exams. Just to de-stress, of course. The deep bronze colouring she returns with was entirely unintentional.

 

4. The Facebook deleter.

Claiming to have put their social media time-wasting behind them, and achieving an incomparable level of sustained focus, this person will take a stand against the system and make you feel horrendously guilty for the occasional clicking left on your best mate’s photos. Worry not Facebook users, this person will spend an inordinate amount of time on the Daily Mail website looking at pictures of Pippa Middleton narrowly avoid getting shit on by a pigeon.

 

5. The Yoga discoverer.

“It just helps me get out of my own head, you know?” You don’t know. Amidst frequent droppings of Sanskrit bombs, Araminta will be found swanning around the library in her new Sweaty Betty yoga leggings, leaving her perfectly sculpted arse distinctly unimagined. Namaste bitches.

 6. The studious fresher.

The object of every fourth year’s mockery. You secretly resent the work ethic of this bookish bean and quietly wish you had got just a little higher than 46% on an Introduction to Wizardry in Literature.

7. The seasonal smoker.

Found mooching cigarettes off established tobacco virtuosos outside the library, this scavenger justifies every puff with a “God, I would never usually, but these exams…”

8. The saboteur.

They’ll catch you on the stairwell, the café or in the loo. This scheming individual will set out to be the architect of your academic fall from grace. They’ll immediately engage you in a detailed conversation about the smallest, most irrelevant aspect of the course you will undoubtedly have yet to revise. They’ll ask your opinion and you’ll freeze. You will then go home, drop everything you were doing, and spend 6 hours on the topic. It never comes up. Your hatred for this unsavoury serpent, once there, is there to stay.

 

9. The ‘hanger-oner’.

That annoying friend who finishes his only exam on the first possible day. He then decides to stick around ‘just for the banter’. He’ll text you at 4 o’clock every day, just to make sure you haven’t changed your mind about grabbing a quick pint.

10. The baked goods supplier.

She always has food. Feeling slightly faint at 5pm but determined to last out another couple of hours? The chance of this person having a bag of donuts from Sainsbury’s are high. Befriend and treasure this person, she is a valuable asset.

 

11. The new born academic.

Having attended a grand total of 3 lectures over the course of the year and read little more than the course description, ‘the fear’ understandably kicks these folk into gear. Per chance, it turns out that they actually find their course interesting. After rushing out to purchase a pair of non-prescription specs and some fairisle knitwear, this reborn bookworm will insist on telling everyone newly acquired, fascinating facts about Djibouti’s fiscal policies.

 

And finally… 

 

12. The superhuman.

She’s the first face you’ve seen on your newsfeed for the last 5 mornings. She seems to be in every photo every club photographer has ever taken, ever…yet she manages to swan in to the library bright eyed and bushy tailed without fail every morning at 8am. After her morning spin class…naturally. You look upon this person with disdainful admiration well aware of the fact the green-eyed monster has got you in his grasp. For your own sanity, avoid this person at all costs.