The War Against Nerds

Emile Yusupoff takes a stance on the side of the nerds.

discrimination geeks nerds sex

Everyone knows, even in the enlightened bubble of university life, that some groups of people are held back, oppressed and mistreated. Disadvantage from gender, class, sexuality and race are well recognised. However, oppression of people at the bottom of the social hierarchy goes undocumented and is treated as perfectly acceptable. Enter nerds.

"You're such a nerd!"

“You’re such a nerd!”

Based entirely on discrimination, nerds are excluded from the sex market. Without social skills, sex cannot be acquired through conversation, or through mating rituals like ‘clubbing’. This traps nerds in sexual unemployment where the inability to develop skills and confidence creates a cycle of porn dependency. This is on top of the misery and dehumanisation that unemployment always causes.

Those moves will get you nowhere...

Those moves will get you nowhere

Anti-nerd language is accepted as normal, and people don’t even realise they’re discriminating. If you call someone a loser, or reject their sexual advances because of their poor social skills, you are part of the problem – you are an oppressor and a reactionary.


This isn’t an indulgent first world problem; this is as serious as any political struggle! The myth that nerd liberation has already happened doesn’t help either. A minority of successful geeks punching above weight does nothing to break the glass ceiling for the rest of the oppressed class. In fact, anyone who values personal advancement and not total emancipation is a class traitor who represents a victory of selfish (bourgeois?) individualism, and has no solidarity with the down trodden.

University is where progressive politics is loudest and most obnoxious, so the movement needs to start here. Culturally, we need a zero-tolerance policy towards the oppressors (anyone who disagrees). Discrimination on campus needs to be acknowledged and stamped out, by force if necessary.


There also needs to be a push for political solutions: we need affirmative action and redistribution (i.e if you’re attractive, you need to have sex with nerds). This is straightforward fairness: attractive people have a greater responsibility due to their unearned good-fortune, and the deprived require compensation. Losers need more than equal rights to sex, the playing field needs to be levelled and real equality needs to be the goal.

The nerds have nothing to lose but their virginity. Losers of the world, unite!

If Penny can do it...

If Penny can do it…


[Disclaimer: This is satire aimed at mocking left wing models of social justice and student activism. The idea is to mock their views on entitlement by setting up an absurd parallel. If you actually agree with the content at face value, The Tab takes no responsibility for your bat shit insanity. Given recent events, and how stupid most people are, the author feels this clarification actually has to be spelled out.]