The Secret Slut: Cheating Our Way To Class

Exposing the very much exposed, unexposed.


In simpler times, before the disco pant and the deep, v-neck leotard, going out was a chance to wear what you liked, and gave us special liberty to wear shorter skirts and tighter dresses, if we felt so obliged. Now, it seems like we have to use the cheat’s method of dressing like a slut, with new trends exposing more, but tricking us into thinking it’s less.

At least she's honest..

At least she’s honest..

 

Let’s take the midi skirt: their overwhelming length means we can lie to ourselves, thinking that we look ‘classier’ and that covering up makes us feel ‘sexier’, despite them being so ludicrously skin tight that our derrières are actually a thousand times more visible than before. They’re also entirely impractical, and usually result in an army of drunk girls trying to shuffle around the dance floor like a flock of randy penguins. Happy Feet was an exception ladies: a penguin was never meant for the dance floor.

 

Looking extremely classy and unprovocative, as she grinds the wall in her skin-tight midi skirt.

Looking extremely classy and unprovocative, as she grinds the wall in her skin-tight midi skirt.

What’s even more fun, is that it’s ‘on trend’ (quote New Look) to wear these ankle swinging monstrosities with skin tight crop-tops which barely cover our bras. I admit, I am a fully-fledged victim of most of these trends, but am growing to understand that just because it has a high neck ladies, I look nothing more like Mother Teresa. If we’re trying to look reserved, its entirely pointless flouncing around a club with our necks covered up, if our midriffs are still very much exposed.

 

Deceiving, little buggers.

(To be honest, if I had a body like this, I’d probably just go out wearing strategically positioned leaves..)

When did we start feeling the need to pretend we’re dressed conservatively? Darling, you’re wearing a lace leotard that exposes your side boob, with disco pants that look more like you’ve just lathered some petrol on your legs. Covering every inch of our bodies with black lace and lycra does not make us look hard-to-get. Maybe the fashion we have today is just evolving to show off in a different, apparently more subtle way, but it just seems a bit like we’re pretending to do something we’re not.

 

Oh? Am I wearing a see-through top? I totally didn't realise..

Oh? Am I wearing a see-through top? I totally didn’t realise..

If you want to wear a bodycon mini skirt that you know damn well makes your arse look like Beyoncé’s, you bloody well do it. If you want to wear a strapless dress which gives you the cleavage of Kelly Brook, go right ahead. We shouldn’t have to feel obliged to pretend we’re covering ourselves up, just because we’re scared of being called a slut.

Remember when it was ok to go out like this? In the middle of winter? In Scotland?

Remember when it was ok to go out like this? In the middle of winter? In Scotland?

 

If you do genuinely enjoy tottering round WhyNot with a skirt that goes down to your ankles, then please, carry on. To be honest, I think I’d much rather go back to my short-shorts, which give me full potential to cut any type of shape.

 

Let’s cut the crap girls, and end the era of the secret slut.

This is the only type of bodycon-midi I will accept.

This is the only type of bodycon-midi I will accept.