Food, Not So Glorious Food

Are our favourite food places as dirty as our students?

As a student, your main life priorities are: food, sex, sleep (and occasionally in deadline week, a little bit of work sneaks in too). But ultimately, the best way to take a break from sleeping all day, and partying all night, is to visit our favourite food hotspots.

Doesn’t look as yummy in harsh, daylight..

But what’s really lurking behind our favourite food places? It’s not exactly a secret that Aladdin’s isn’t perhaps the cleanest looking joint, but our beloved takeaway was actually deemed in need of improvement after its last inspection from the Food Standards Agency. (I’m so sorry. A support group is being set up as we speak).

Here’s a low down on our favourite food places, and how they rate on the scale from fine to grime (according to information found on the Food Standards Agency).


Smiles all round, and so there should be.

Lunch layabouts: they’re cheap, they’re cheerful, and they provide a great reason to not go to you 2pm lecture.


*Baguette Express: Pass. (Not going to lie, extremely surprised. We all love its greasy, laid back feel, but apparently beneath its dirty façade, its nice and clean, a bit like certain students).


*Potterow: Pass. (Almost hoped this wouldn’t passed. That would be an amazing EUSA inquisition).


*Red Box: Improvement needed. (Sad times. Our favourite noodle bar was apparently deemed in need of healthy and safety improvement on its latest checkout).

Let’s check what’s really in those noodles..



Take aways: life savers, almost places of worship to some of us.


*Palmyra’s: Pass. (Fantastic news for all of us. Their falafels are famous, and now their cleanliness is too. Hoorah).

*Dominos Pizza: Pass. (Tuesdays have just become a little bit sweeter).

*Marmaris Kebabs: Improvement required. (Want to be surprised, but really, REALLY am not).

*Aladdins: Improvement required. (Sorry to address it again. So, so sorry).


Mmmmm, warm, caffeiney pretentiousness.


Feeling a bit posh: for those times when we live like student loans don’t exist, and go a bit wild for once.

*Elephants and Bagels: Pass. (Always good to know that our favourite, and probably only Bagel emporium in Edinburgh is as spick and span as it is over priced and pretentious).

*Black Medicine Coffee Company: Improvement required. (Maybe its all the deep conversations and contentiousness that’s letting the side down).

*We couldn’t find anything about the Brew Lab. Which may be a good thing.


If you want to check any of this stuff out for yourself, check out the Food Standards Agency website. Or you may just want to live in blissful ignorance.

(Don’t worry Aladdin’s, we still adore you).

It still looks fucking good.