Ten reasons not to go to St Andrews

Freddie Wild and Johanna Smit find ten reasons not to go to St. Andrews (and yes, the hard part was getting it down to ten)

We here at The Tab Edinburgh love this city. We have great clubs, plenty of watering holes, and all the shops, restaurants and cafés you could ever want – everything you need for a good night on the lash and the morning after (studying optional). However, for some reason, sixth formers keep applying to St. Andrews. I can hear you say “oh the horror!” So, for those prospective St. Andrewians (and for the grand cause of mocking our rivals), here are our top 10 reasons to avoid St. Andrews:

1. Only one club. The obvious reason to give St. Andrews a miss, and the ruin of all student life. Can you imagine an Edinburgh without Hive?!

Go hard or go home, St. Andrews!

2. It’s like never leaving school. Everyone knows everything about you.

3. It’s a huge distance from civilisation like Edinburgh. While some may enjoy pretending to be a country gent, I quite like having running water…

Green and pleasant land? No thanks!

4. Banter revolves around sports, port wine and cheese. Even school had better bants than that!

5. Drinking in the streets is illegal. For shame! The Tab hears the story of a lad who got sent to alcohol rehabilitation course for drinking a can of beer while out. Not good.

Standard student breakfast/lunch/dinner!

6. The only supermarket is Tesco. People get very excited about Aldi. When people are getting excited about Aldi, you know something is wrong!

7. The golf course. St Andrews is famous for it’s golfers, and all that Pringle and those BMWs are definitely bad for student life. After all, you have plenty of time to be a banker wanker after uni…

Remember, kids: just say no!

8. Champagning. .

Fuck off, mate!

9. There’s a total lack of housing in St. Andrews. Clearly all those green fields come at quite a price! According to an inside source with 2 years of St. Andrews experience, looking for accommodation is “an oligarchy of death where you have to like fight for every housing opportunity whereas at Edinburgh, it’s almost relaxed”

10. Stop fucking pretending to be Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Try as hard as you like, it’s never gonna happen…