Who is Edinburgh’s Worst Alumnus? You Decide!

The University will gladly gloat about its many esteemed alumni, but little is heard about this bunch. Check out the list and make sure to vote for who you consider to be the worst Edinburgh alumni of all time.

Alumni Gordon Brown Hastings Banda James Middleton Keith O'Brien Michael McIntyre Robert Knox Tony Hayward University of Edinburgh Vote William Walker

Our dear university is certainly proud of its well stocked alumni lists, but while we’ve all heard of the Charles Darwins and the David Humes, what cast of characters can we dig up at the other end of the spectrum? Check out the profiles, have a vote and lets uncover the worst Edinburgher(?) of all time!

Gordon Brown

 

  • Studied history from 1967-1972, graduating with a first class degree.
  • Earned a PhD in history in 1982.
  • Was elected rector of the university in 1972, while still a student.

 

Bland character. Bland politics. Easily one of most recognizable names to graduate from Edinburgh, Mr. Brown suddenly found himself in the role of Prime Minister after inheriting the Labour party leadership from Tony Blair in an uncontested election. He never seemed completely comfortable as PM, certainly didn’t have the pretentious air of his predecessors or successor and would, of course, go on to lead Labour to its worst electoral defeat since 1931 in the 2010 parliamentary elections. So while he wasn’t the most controversial PM, and had the misfortune of being handed the great recession while in office, it’s hard to overlook the fact that Mr. Brown never actually won a parliamentary election. Something which, believe it or not, tends to be a prerequisite for becoming PM these days. My guess is Mr. Brown will go down as a pretty minor footnote in the UK’s political history.

Tony Hayward

 

  • Earned a PhD in Geoscience in 1979.

 

Life must’ve been looking pretty swell for this overachieving dude from Slough. After a long career in BP, he was appointed the new CEO in 2007 at the age of 50, reeling in a pretty respectable annual salary of £1,045,000, and being handed a nice little bonus of £2,090,000 in 2009. Then, on 20 April 2010, disaster struck. An explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig killed 11 workers, and oil began leaking from the ocean floor at a horrendous rate. Poor managing by Hayward, coupled with a few badly timed statements, including one in which he stated that more than anything he just wanted his life back, eventually resulted in BP’s decision to replace him on 27 July 2010. The guy did manage to sneak out of the spotlight with most of his finances intact, however, as he had conveniently sold one third of his BP shares a month before the oil spill occurred. Can we really just chalk it up to good timing? I doubt it.

Hastings Banda

 

  • Studied Medicine 1938-1941

 

A man who institutes laws preventing women from wearing short dresses, outlaws beards for men and bans kissing in public is certainly no friend of the Tab. Making matters worse, Malawi’s first president presided over one of Africa’s most repressive regimes, introduced a one-party state and declared himself President for Life in 1971. In fact, the guy was so self-absorbed that every building was required to have his portrait on the wall and a video of him waving and smiling was shown before every movie screening. Talk about a personality cult. Then there’s also the issue of Banda accumulating around $320 million in personal assets as president, which has supposedly been passed on to his grandchildren living in the US and South Africa. But maybe that’s just nitpicking.

Cardinal Keith O’Brien

 

  • Earned a B.Sc. in Chemistry in 1959.
  • Was awarded a Diploma in Education in 1966.

 

Cardinal O’Brien was named ‘Bigot of the Year’ by a charity in 2012 for his harsh opposition to same-sex marriage. He recently resigned after being accused of groping a fellow priest at a drinks party in Rome in 2003 (I know, I’m surprised they have them too), subsequently admitting to the ordeal in a statement saying his sexual conduct has occasionally “fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal”. Yeah no kidding. I think it’s fair to call the former Archbishop of St Andrews and Edinburgh by what he really is. A stuck up, sleazy, self-hater. Too bad the guy’s name has to taint our university’s alumni lists.

William Walker

  • Studied medicine in 1848/49 as part of a 2-year European study tour.

 

Trust me, it doesn’t get much worse than this guy. After his studies in Europe, Walker developed the fairly disturbing life ambition of creating new english-speaking slave states in Central America. As if the ambition wasn’t enough, he actually acted on it! First invading Mexico with a private army, and later intervening in the Nicaraguan civil war, emerging victorious in the latter conflict. After his Nicaraguan intervention he appointed himself head of state, declared English the official language and reintroduced slavery. Turns out this wasn’t too popular with the neighboring countries and he was thankfully defeated by an allied Central American army less than a year later. Walker survived and fled the country, however, but not before being a complete douche and burning down Nicaragua’s ancient capital city. On his last foray into Central America Walker was finally caught and handed over to Honduran authorities, who executed him in 1860 at the age of 36. Walker died a hero of the American South, and remains an embarrassing blemish in our university’s records.

James Middleton

 

  • Studied Environmental Resource Management 2005-2006

 

Brother of the Duchess of Cambridge, James initially made a much better life decision than his sister, spurning St. Andrews for environmental resource management studies at Edinburgh in 2005. He decided to make a quick reversal and leave university after only one year, however, deciding to ply his trade in the cake making business, of all things. While 2012 certainly had its highs for the young entrepreneur, receiving the honour of reading the lesson at his sister’s royal wedding, he also suffered through a bit of a personal low as his cake company lost £16,858 at the end of April 2012. While that doesn’t sound very pleasant, I can’t say I’m too worried about the guy penny pinching anytime soon. But hey, if things keep going this way, we might be able to welcome Mr. Middleton back into our midst in the near future.

Michael McIntyre

  • Started a natural science degree, dropping out after 1 year.

 

The man has a lot of fans. No doubt about it. Yet the observational comedy of Mr. McIntyre has spawned a numerous critics, and it can be difficult to watch more than a couple clips on youtube before getting annoyed by the fluffy-haired one’s drastic and continuos change of tones. But even so, it is neither his comedy nor his personality that has landed him a spot on this list. No no. It’s the fact that when asked what he studied at the University of Edinburgh, he has replied that he can’t remember if it was biology or chemistry. I mean come on, that’s just a slap in the face!

Dr. Robert Knox

 

  • Studied medicine 1810-1814

 

Originally a medicine student at our university, Knox went on to become the most popular anatomy lecturer in Edinburgh. While this sounds all good and dandy, Knox’s career took a turn for the worse when he was revealed to have purchased 16 bodies from Burke and Hare, who would routinely murder drunks around the city and sell them to the body-starved professor. While he was never prosecuted, Knox was understandably viewed with skepticism by the public, and the turnout to his lectures soon dried up. The man would eventually flee across the border, ending up in London a broken man; his books about fishing becoming his greatest source of income.