The Olympic event your Durham college would win gold in, based on vibes and vibes only

A petition to officially change the 1,500 metres to the Mary’s mile is so needed

1 month ago

I think it’s time we mix up the college sport season a little bit. Like many of you, I’ve been obsessively watching the Olympics to escape the reality that I am still eight weeks away from another woodgate. But which colleges would thrive in which events? Below is a list of the most rogue, peculiar and downright bizarre sports that each college would go for gold in.

St. Mary’s – 10,000 metres

Remember the infamous Mary’s Mile, that daunting dash many of us have attempted and miserably failed? The Olympic 10,000 meters is its torturous twin – equally as painful and never-ending, occasionally interrupted by an embarrassing mid-race chun, leaving you far from anything resembling a victory lap near Cuth’s. As the longest athletics event in the Olympics (excluding the marathon, let’s not get carried away), it’s only fair to say a similar level of endurance and athleticism is necessary to conquer the Mary’s Mile!

South – Breaking

Being the newest college in Durham, with no real history or notable achievements, South is a natural fit to win breaking – the latest edition the Olympics – which many find hard to even credit a real sport. With nothing to lose except maybe its balance, South isn’t worried about tradition… instead, it’s flashy moves distract (or at least attempt to distract) from its lack of substance. When your only claim to fame is your founding date, you take every chance to dance your way into relevance, hoping a breakdance routine will finally get you noticed.

Trevs – Football

Trevelyan College would somehow win the Olympic football event, but only because Olympic football is as neglected as they are. Everyone tunes in for the Premier League, but when it comes to football at the Olympics, who even bothers switching on the TV? Their victory would be a fitting testament to its own obscurity; excelling in a sport that nobody pays any attention to, just like their place in the college rankings.

Van Mildert – Swimming

When it comes to personality traits, Van Mildert only has its lake (and flock of overconfident ducks), but with the lake as their training ground, it is no wonder Van Mildert would dominate an Olympic swimming event. While other colleges focus on academics or land sports, Mildertians have been honing their skills in what is essentially a large puddle they proudly announce as their lake. “Who needs a fancy gym when you can perfect your backstroke dodging ducks?” – a classic overhead phrase from Van Mildert, Collingwood rejects.

St. Aidan’s – Climbing

After enduring the daily torture of climbing endless stairs just to reach Aidan’s, an Olympic climbing wall is nothing more than a gentle stroll – uphill, obviously! Whether it’s the supposed altitude sickness from being stranded on Windmill Hill or simply the weirdness of Aidan’s itself, everyone I’ve met there seems have fled to another college by the end of their first term. So, if you’re looking for your dream college, look elsewhere. But, if you’re training for a climbing competition or just want a good reason to transfer, Aidan’s is the place.

Jobo and Stevo – Triathlon

Who needs a gym when your daily cardio involves scaling the mound of Jobo just to reach the middle of nowhere? The endurance required for a triathlon is nothing compared to surviving a year here. With Stevo as the equally irrelevant neighbour, there really isn’t anywhere run – unless you’re training for that triathlon. If you can survive the monotony and isolation of this (un)dynamic duo, conquering an Olympic triathlon is just a warm-up.

Hatfield – Equestrian

Alright, alright, I know it’s a stereotype and you saw this one coming. While perfecting their equestrian skills, Hatfield has also mastered the art of looking down on everyone else. Winning equestrian is practically ingrained in them, as most students aren’t just skilled in horse riding but are pretty much professional as riding their own high horse. Polo hasn’t been added to the Olympics yet so for now Equestrian will have to suffice.

Castle – Archery

Nestled within stone walls of a literal castle, students here have mastered the art of warding off outsiders, especially when it comes to closing the bar to anyone from other colleges. With their own exclusive library, dining hall, and secret passageways, Castle students are as good at keeping to themselves as they are at hitting the bullseye in archery.

Hild Bede – Rowing

Hild Bede is destined to win gold in rowing at the Olympics – after all, their alumna, Lauren Irwin, the GB Squad’s current Paris Olympian, drew inspiration from endless hours by the college’s murky river. It seems that while their rowing skills have risen to new heights, their accommodation has sunk to a (soon non-existent) low.

Collingwood – Modern Pentathlon

Collingwood would dominate in the Modern Pentathlon – or so they’d like to think. Their extreme overconfidence leads them to believe they’re destined to win every Olympic sport (and they probably will, anyway), and the pentathlon is their way of proving their sporting versatility. Classic Collingwood: Always keen to show off while their actual performance falls short.

St. Chad’s – Artistic Swimming

Chad’s would effortlessly take the gold in artistic swimming, as their cramped, communal living has forced students to move in perfect harmony. With their only notable feature being a charmingly tiny bar, there’s plenty of opportunity for rehearsing those synchronised routines between disco waters under the chandelier spotlight.

Grey – Shooting

Grey would undoubtedly win shooting. It is just as overlooked and similarly “grey” as their style. In a sport where monotony and a lack of excitement is expected, they are guaranteed to succeed. Definitely have seen a fair few Schoffels in Grey, too.

St. Cuthbert’s Society – Curling

Curling is the perfect sport for St. Cuthbert’s Society, with its blend of strategy, teamwork, and that quirky charm. However, whilst they think their two different locations make them “unique,” they’re just as classic as any other Bailey college and the sport itself. It’s not even a summer sport so of course they would choose something rogue to be different.