A definitive list of every type of guy at Durham

As first term dwindles away and Christmas approaches, it’s getting clear to us all that guys at Durham tend to fall into at least one of the following categories. Here are some tell-tale signs for you to spot them.

The Gym Guy

They are easily identifiable as their typical attire is the trainers, joggers and hoodie combo, making them a walking advert for Adidas (other sporting brands are available). Their wardrobe is filled, almost exclusively, with joggers, usually white, grey and black.

As you drag yourself out in the morning, squinting at the blinding sun, they pass you jogging, returning from their morning hour-long run. They also have a special gift for dropping into the conversation that they do DU *insert name of sport*.

The Antisocial Guy

Despite your cheery offer of, “good morning”, you only receive a reluctant grunt in response from these guys. You never see them in the kitchen, or the canteen… the only time you ever seem to see them is when they come back from networking events wearing suits.

The Virgin

After years of exile at an all-boys boarding school, they suddenly find themselves living next door to a girl, a species they’d only every glanced at before. Not only that, but they seem to be receiving attention from these girls. Often, they struggle to adjust to this and so embark on a flirting rampage, taking on almost every girl within a 1-mile radius.

The Library-dweller

These guys officially have their shit together. The Billy B is practically their second home, so much so that they’ve even decided on their favourite spot. They started reading their textbooks during freshers' week and were very disappointed that The Library Bar wasn’t another place they could study. Sorry friends, for these guys, work will always be their priority, the only way to their hearts is probably by becoming their study buddies.

The Quirky Guy

They can be easily recognised by their quirky af Facebook profile picture and their eccentric style. They are often found in coffee shops reading an obscure 18th century French philosopher, sat on observatory hill writing poetry or watching an independently-produced 1990s Hungarian film in their room. They often talk about how their volunteering abroad experience during their gap year helped them to find themselves.

The Intellectual

Usually found sitting alone reading a newspaper or a magazine – high-brow only, of course. If they do enter into conversation, they try to turn it into a discussion about politics and current affairs. Most of the time we avoid these guys because conversations with them require use of a dictionary.

The Fuckboy

Their diet mostly consists of alcohol and Paddy’s. They seem to transition between a state of drunkenness and being hungover in a constant cycle. Instead of work tasks on their to-do-list, they have girls’ names. God help us all.

The Mess

Most days they can be seen to emerge from their clothes-strewn room at midday. A substantial part of their diet consists of pot noodle given how many meals they miss. When they actually do turn up to seminars, they haven’t done the work. They don’t even know where the library is, let alone set foot in it. The only question is … what do they actually do?

The Bitter Posh Guy

Can usually be spotted by the resentful look on their face. Favourite conversation topics are complaining about the food, complaining about the lack of formality, as they simultaneously glare at someone who has dared to come to brunch in their dressing gown, explaining how they would have got into Oxbridge if it weren’t for this, that, and their gap yah. They also require a translator when speaking to anyone from north of London.