How to avoid your ex in Durham: A step by step guide
Not today, Satan
Breakups are grim. Realising your freshers' sweetheart is actually a massive idiot is hard enough, let alone having to end the relationship and move on in a city the size of a postage stamp. However, fear not! Here is a comprehensive guide on how you can manage to avoid your ex in Durham by taking the high road. Naturally.
Stare right on through them
Did you see that? No? Me neither. Instead of gazing into the eyes of the human being with whom you once shared your hopes, dreams and post-Klute cheesy chips, focus on visualising what the space behind their head looks like right this second. Isn’t the silhouette of the DSU against the sunset lovely this time of year?
Sometimes, hiding in plain sight is the best way to avoid an awkward meeting with an ex. By dressing as a huge, bright orange traffic cone, you'll get noticed for all the right reasons. If anyone asks, tell them you’re on a week-long social to celebrate the end of the roadworks by Starbucks, duh. And hey, at least if you do bump into your ex in the foyer of the Billy B, it'll give you something to talk about other than who you're both getting with these days.
Always be ready
In our cosy city, a run-in with any number of people whom you share a troubled past with is possible at all times. For this reason, it’s best to scout out places where you can quickly duck for cover, should your beady eyes spot your ex’s college stash approaching on the pavement. Perfecting several Jason Bourne-style stunts will allow you just enough time to conceal yourself behind a pillar in Lloyds before an altercation develops. Phew!
Social media lockdown
If you were the reason why the break up occurred and you’re not in the mood to be a mature, responsible adult who owns up to your actions, suddenly blocking your ex on everything is definitely the right way to go about things. Now you don’t have to see their content, beaming face tagged in Wiff Waff club photos while you cry into your cereal. If you were the one blocked, why not print off flyers with highlights of your social media presence from the past few weeks and distribute them outside Elvet Riverside. Your ex is sure to catch a glimpse of one and literally melt into the floor like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. Good work.
This tends to be a fairly unorthodox practice, but if you told your College Principal about the way your ex completely blanked you in Fabio's last week, they would, like, totes understand. Ultimately, when faced with the prospect of having to ask your ex if the seat next to them in the college library is taken, even Hatfield starts to become an attractive option for relocation.
A witness protection scheme
Did you personally see them trophying road signs, JCR memorabilia or stealing an unattended drink in the college bar? Are you willing to undergo a lengthy police investigation and testify on the stand? If you answered yes to one of these, you may well be eligible for entry onto a witness protection programme. Get a new identity that enables you to bury evidence of any history between you, and prevent the bouncers at Loft from saying “oh, it’s her again” as you stumble from the club in tears at 12.30am.
If none of these other ideas quite hit the spot, flat out denial might be a great way for you to avoid your ex’s entire existence. For example, when they pass you in the dairy aisle in Tesco, turn to your friend with a bewildered expression and ask “Who is that? Are they in our year? I have quite literally never seen them before!” If they’re at a college event, saying “Is that someone’s sibling? It’s so nice they’ve come to stay and got to experience the formal!" is a really lovely and tasteful way to completely deny knowing your ex. You’re so classy!