Confessions of a condomed girl

5th of March 2017. I was thirsty, I was out of juice and the only thing in my fridge was my 49p carton of milk. Yes, 49p because I brought it in Sainsburys: bite me…

It seemed like any other milk carton: cute, small, and semi-skimmed as it should be. But who knew? It was a gateway to my fears… it was a gateway to hell itself. Jesus, I blame you.

As any other thirsty lass would, I opened up the milk and took a sip from the carton itself. Now, I’m no milk connoisseur so to me it tasted like any other milk should and I’d only taken a little sip.

While preparing to take a bigger swig, my dear friend Chloe made an appearance with her boyfriend. She eyed up the milky goodness in my hands and asked if she could have a sip. The Mother Teresa in me answered ‘of course.’

Now lads, the night was young and I had a Psychology report to bullshit my way through. No way did I have time for shy little sips. It was now or never to down this calcium-filled goodness and be on my way (to my desk).

And I proceeded to do exactly that.

As I downed the milk like milk had never been downed before something touched my lip.

WHAT COULD IT BE? The milk wasn’t expired…it was expiring tomorrow.

WHAT COULD IT BE?! I pondered mindlessly… and I decided to have a cheeky look…to figure it out once and for all.

And there it was…in all of its glory….a condom. Not in a wrapper…no, no.
It was nakedly swimming around my milk.
A CONDOM.
WHAT ON EARTH.
A CONDOM.
I HAD JUST DRANK CONDOMED MILK.

My mind raced and my stomach gurgled, Chloe and I gargled with Listerine like we had just consumed Satan’s shit…but no it was worse…WE HAD A SERIOUS CASE OF BEING CONDOMED.

I wish this story would end happily… but it doesn’t. I never found out who it was and the next day I threw up twice.

Mystery Pervert, shame on you and your disgusting sense of humour.