There’s a Cuth’s Instagram account that posts menus early

@cuthscomida: “Menu updates, tepid banter”

£2,152 is the additional annual cost of being catered. If you’re wondering which two varieties of potato your £2,152 has bought you today, you can check a menu. But why walk 200 metres to your dining room, when Cuth’s Comida instagrams them in advance?

We spoke to the Cuth’s fresher behind the account, which has attracted over 800 followers, and asked him what made it special.

“Tepid banter”, was his two-word answer. “I provide a service, with tepid banter as a side.”

But there’s nothing tepid about the account’s latest, astonishing achievement: setting up a date for an affectionately-nicknamed friend of the owner, Ed ‘The Melt’.

“We felt sorry for Ed because he was failing out there in the real world”, explained the owner. “He was struggling with girls on his own accord. We felt that with 773 followers, there’d be one person out there to give him a hand.”

Ed ‘The Melt’ with his date

A lucky winner was duly found, and ‘The Melt’ took her on a date. “There might be another one in the pipeline”, is the hope.

It hasn’t been an easy ride for Cuth’s Comida, however. “It’s an hour and a half a day”, claims the owner. “My life is drinking, darts, and this.”

What’s more, he’s even had to see off competition from a rival account, Hild Food.

“They weren’t very tepid about it, must be said. They were very directed against me, commented on mine like ‘yeah you were right about the tepid banter’ and I was like, it’s not that deep guys, it’s a food account right…”

Even so, Cuth’s Comida didn’t let them off so easily. A targeted response, which allegedly “took two hours, working in the library”, compared Hild Food with a host of “similarly obsolete” phenomena:

The owner claims he’s “had bullets in the post when I’m late with the menu. People saying they’ll slap me. You’re trying to go out and you’re getting harassed. It’s just relentless.”

Popularity, matchmaking, and ‘tepid banter’ aside, though, the service Cuth’s Comida provides is a useful one, and “improving information” is why the account was started. “Well, that, and because I wanted girls to like me”.

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