How attending a physics lecture made me realise I was a pleb

Anti-matter or Anti-social?


Doing an Arts degree, with zero contact hours but four essays due in at any given moment, I’ve spent more time wallowing in self pity than contemplating how the other half live.

But like all the other philosophers, I had an awakening and I realised that actually enough was enough. I wanted a holistic university experience and so off I went. I ventured into the big wide world (science site) with my two chums to experience the glory of…PHYSICS.

I had binged watched Big Bang Theory, I had scrolled through Sheldon Cooper memes. I was ready. I entered a lecture hall full of tired smart kids, sat nervously with my Pop Pink Mac, ready to learn.

Lepton, Boltzmann factor, KT= 1 Mev… all these words screamed at me begging me to understand; yet all I could register was the pain on everyone’s face. 5 minutes into the lecture, I was convinced I had possibly stumbled into the base of Illumaniti.

They were speaking in code to prevent big bad plebs like me from learning the deep dark secrets of the universe. They aren’t learning about the Big Bang, they are creating the philosophers’ stone with their fancy nuclear fission, lepton shit.

I was informed that neutrons react to protons before they decay, that struck a chord with me. I also react to my mental breakdowns (which is probably what neutrons are made up of) before decaying into a cheesy chip eating mess.


Concepts such as photo disassociation suddenly made sense, I experience that daily when I disassociate myself from any picture of me before 2015.

He talked about the problems of thermal equilibrium, but I have already mastered that. Stick one leg out of the duvet while keeping the rest of your body under it. Right amount of air flow…thermal….equilibrium.

He tried to talk about the Black Body Spectrum, a spectral shape that is preserved in time in such a complicated fashion…Of course he was only talking about the likes of Beyonce and Will Smith.

The lovely lecturer confessed he had been working at the same problem since 1983, the students looked at him in awe.

But try again honey; people have been working on Plato’s problem for 2000 years. We are made up of the same molecules that make up stars. Perhaps they should stop trying to figure out the secrets of the stars and figure out who they are #philosophy.

Conclusion: hints of Illumanti, a preference for black bodies and fancy words. Think I might stick to drinking coffee and writing essays on personal identity till 3am.