Alternate facts all Dunelms have used

Doublespeak we can relate to

Now those little white lies have been publically justified, it’s time to take a hard look at ourselves and examine the alternate facts we use every day.

The personal statement classic:

“I am a hard-working, independent learner.”

True meaning: “If you don’t help me I may cry into my notes before giving up really quickly!”

The e-mail you send your tutor:

“I will be unable to attend the tutorial due to illness.”

True meaning: Yeah no. You’re just too lazy or too hungover to leave college, nevermind presenting yourself as an intellectual and engaged student, but of course this is just an alternate version of the fact.

Talking about your essays:

“It’s such a terrible essay, I wrote it in like four hours!”

True meaning: It’s a brilliant essay, and I spent like two weeks on it.

Pre-exam complaints:

“I’m literally going to fail this exam so hard!”

True meaning: Actually you feel really prepared and ready to get that high 2:1, but you don’t want to brag.

Post-exam plans:

“I’ll spend the rest of the day at the library prepping for tomorrow’s exam.”

True meaning: Well.. It’s true, you just mean the Library pub as opposed to the Bill Bryson.

Consoling your mate after a night-out:

“Get some food from Urban Oven and you’ll feel ok.”

True meaning: Nah, you’re actually about 10 seconds away from projectile vomiting, again.

Explaining why you can’t go for a Flat White brunch this week:

“I’m so sorry hun, I’m just so busy and I have like four deadlines on Monday.”

True meaning: Actually, I don’t really want to see you because it always gets awkward and quite frankly you’re a little boring.

Complaining about being in a rush:

“I’ve gotta run, have to get up Cardiac Hill for my next lecture.”

True meaning: You’re gonna head straight to your room and have a nice nap instead because who doesn’t want to pay £9,000 a year to nap.

Reassuring your parents that you’re doing well:

“Relax mum, my degree is really stressful but I’m an adult now, of course I’m coping.”

True meaning: “Mum, can you please come up and bake cookies for me, I can’t take it anymore.”

Trying to comfort a friend in crises:

“Listen, we got into Durham, we’re all really intelligent. You’re gonna do so well!”

True meaning: How the hell did you ever get into Durham.