Everything you expected to learn by your final year at Durham, but haven’t

People said you would find a husband, they lied.

Epiphany is flying by and the sudden realisation that it’s your penultimate term has hit with full force. It seems like yesterday you received a letter from your allocated college, walked with a bunch of fellow fresh into Matriculation and managed to bounce back from four nights out a week and still make all your lectures.

You thought university would be a learning experience, not only academically but it would also grant you invaluable life skills. In reality you’ve only learned to wear something with an elasticated waist to a 9am and that Saddler Street is not pedestrianised.

How to judge the Bill Bryson traffic lights

You watched omniscient finalists stride boldly into the road before the green man granted them permission. Fresher you was in awe and knew that one day, you would be blessed with the same psychic power.

The BB has become your second home and you realise you’re wasting rent on an actual house. However, you have not learnt the confident ways of your predecessors. You stick one leg out and do the awkward body jiggle as you try to judge the oncoming traffic but realise it’s not worth being run over when you’re so close to the end.

How to change a lightbulb 

It’s arguably life’s greatest and most useful skill, graduating university would give you both a degree and ability to screw in 40 watts and save the day.

College gave you porters, and you were grateful. Any problem which your useless 18-year-old self could not handle, Mr Porter was always there. This will have continued if you lived in college the whole time but also if you lived out. If the lightbulb blows, the house will sit in darkness.

How to fall in love

Durham has this crazy statistic that one-in-seven people get married to someone they met at Durham. LOL.

One term left and all you’ve experienced is an awkward fresher hook up and potential college family incest with your adoptive parent. People will let you down, but Urban Oven never will.

How to manage multiple deadlines 

Your CV boasts flawless time management skills and you thought university would enhance this. It’s term eight out of nine but you still haven’t learned to not leave your three summatives and dissertation until four weeks before the deadline.

“I’ll do 500 words of this one, then I’ll do the introduction of that one, and then maybe read some things for my diss,” you whisper to yourself, crying on the bedroom floor, knee-deep in an overdraft and regret.

How to stay clean in Klute

The toilets still flood every Friday night and the you don’t let any shoes which are less than five years old anywhere near to front door.

It’s been almost three years and you still leave at 2am, sticky, sweaty and only Paddy’s can save you now.

How to use the revolving door at Bill Bryson 

The people who stride seamlessly through the revolving door, without hesitating, are a different breed.

You pluck up the confidence to attack the rolling doors and some selfish person bursts out sending it flying around and you swerve for the normal door in the most unnatural of movements.

How to reference

What is ibid? What is Harvard? You don’t know and you never will. You still refer to your first year handbook and copy the format from your very first formative in which your kind tutor sent you in the right direction.

The Geordie dialect

It’s super friendly and everyone calls you “pet” but it took a long time to fully understand what the locals were saying. You consider yourself a North East native now but still find yourself asking taxi drivers and cafe owners to repeat themselves.

How to balance a healthy diet

You left college potatoes behind two years ago and were determined to “never eat a carb again.” 10lbs later, Tesco meal deals are still a staple and fruit is too expensive to justify.