A completely rational guide to surviving a degree you hate

Copy this and you will be fine

Were the days ticking? Was pressure looming?  Was everyone asking you “what do you want to do with your life”? Did you out of pure panic look up ‘top universities’ and choose a degree you thought looked vaguely interesting or in my case had the lowest entry requirements? Did you then justify to yourself that you were passionate about said degree?

If you said yes to any of these, hello this is me too.

I’ve just exited my phase of justification and I have now entered the next, crisis.  Yes, it is as bad as you expect and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wake up everyday with the remembrance that I’m doing a degree I don’t think I care about.  So what do we do?

Step 1

Panic. Lots, panic a lot.  Everyday actually as much as you can.  It’s the only thing you can rationally do now, you are in a different city with completely new people, the lecturers don’t know you are even born.  So panic.

Step 2

Don’t ask for help.  Don’t bother going to see your academic advisor and asking for some help in this very sticky situation you’ve gotten yourself muddled up in.  It’s of no use, sit in your room for a few hours and just think about how much you hate each module – much more productive.

Actual image of me contemplating why I chose this degree.

Step 3

Don’t bother doing any of the reading.  You probably won’t understand it anyway as you won’t be passionate enough to spend the time to get your head around the complex matrix of ideologies you find yourself faced with.   Give yourself an easy ride and just take your foot off the gas.

One tiny tear falls as I realise I understand nothing.

Step 4

Embrace nightlife.  There is nothing worse than wallowing in self pity, do what I did and drown your sorrows with a bottle.  You’ll feel wonderful about everything for a few hours, you can face your problems tomorrow, for now the night is young and it is yours.

Step 5

Spend the entirety of your student loan.  Make yourself feel better with some therapeutic online shopping. Go splash £200 on ASOS, go get yourself that new underwear set you were after.  After all this trauma you really do deserve it.

Shoes like these for instance are a definite, justified necessity.

Step 6

Go home a lot.  Being back in your usual environment where you bossed your revision for your previous exams will make you feel much better and much more productive.  Miraculously turning you into a lover of your degree.

Step 7

Lie to people.  Tell everyone you love it, the modules are just as you expected.  You couldn’t want anything more, you find the work mesmerising, enticing, fantastic!  It isn’t difficult, it isn’t tedious and it isn’t a chore. YOU LOVE IT.

Me pretending not to care!

Step 8

Develop your skills in procrastination.  Keeping your nails neat is a necessity, re arranging your desk is a necessity, writing an article is a necessity.  Anything but what you are supposed to be doing is a necessity.

Find someone that feels the same, then switch off in lectures and use Photo Booth.

Step 9

Remember this article is sarcastic.  Don’t do what I did, I’m 4 months in and all I can hear is my subconscious DJ playing Chers’ “if I could turn back time”. Don’t mindlessly choose a degree.

When people say do something you love, genuinely go study something you love.  And if you are at uni like me and still aren’t sure what that is yet all is fine and swell.  Just, don’t do a me (or continue doing a me).