Things you probably heard at Champagne Summer Ball

“I’m not drinking tonight.”


“Life is too short to not have oysters and champagne sometimes.” With the words of American model Christie Brinkley ringing in their ears, the esteemed members of the Durham University Champagne, on that infamous summer night, descended to the hallowed lairs of Hardwick Hall to attend a party that no member would remember.

An army of 1300 students intent on getting more than their £99-a-ticket’s worth all played their own part in a night full of swigging, swallowing and swimming. Decadency extended as far as chundering, (with even some students having to be carried upstairs covered in safety blanket), swimming in the neighbouring lake as well as drug use and public intercourse of the sexual variety.

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The society takes some responsibility for the mayhem: “We do recognise that there were problems at the ball,” but maintained that “Many students felt that this event was the best event that they had been to in their entirety of their time in Durham.”

Much to the delight of all members present was the declaration that there were, in fact, more bottles of champagne than expected due to providers Laurent Perrier ‘accidentally’ ordering magnum size bottles. Much like the bottles, the night too was magnificent!

Allegations have been thrown around aplenty but in whose accusations lies the most truth – the following are but to name a few of overheard conversations and lingering quotes alike heard from the depths of Elvet to the social hub of the Billy-B discussing what actually was said at the biggest party DH1 has ever seen:

• “I’ve seen more bottles alone in daddy’s wine cellar.”
• “Caviar is a must have on the menu.”
• “2016 was merely a reference to the vintage, not the number of bottles.”

• “I’m not drinking tonight.”

• “Clinton’s bound to win.”

• “Never have I ever downed a whole bottle of champers.”

• “It’s not like this’ll go public.”

• “I haven’t been this drunk since Henley.”

• “This event is going swimmingly.”

• “That’s not what I meant when I ordered Magnums ice-cream.”

• “I’m a bit out of my depth.”

• “This doesn’t taste like water…”

• “Pass a coke, Charlie.”

• “I’ve never had so high spirits.”

• “Pigs in blankets and it’s not even Christmas!”

• “I’ve had fewer lines in last year’s musical.”

• “Laurent Perrier slides down much like Newcastle’s academic rating.”

The now publicly renown Durham University Champagne Society has been put on probation whilst the authorities uncover the truths behind that remarkable night in June. However, if there’s one thing we can at least say in certainty is that, with over £45,000 spent behind the bar, there certainly ‘aint no party like a Hardwick party!