Dear Santa: A Christmas list from desperate students

PLEASE HELP ME


Dear Father Christmas,

I’ve been a very good girl this year and worked very hard to get into university. Unfortunately, I’m halfway through first term and I’m not coping very well. All of a sudden I have deadlines, an overdraft and yes, I still have freshers flu. People told me that the jump to A-level was harder than the jump to University, they lied. Please may I have the following this Christmas before I internally combust.

Money

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The overdraft is real. At Freshers’ Fair I signed up to far too many societies and now scary second years are asking me for subs but I spent my weekly allowance on the sesh the night before. When jagerbombs are £1 it’s bloody rude not to.

Liposuction

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I promised myself I would exercise and not put weight on at university, I’ve failed. My skinny jeans should not be this skinny.

Some clarification

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I want an AQA specification and a mark scheme, with topics and sub-topics and bullet points that I can easily put into a revision timetable. I obviously won’t stick to it but at least it will make me feel like I’m doing something.

I want to know what bits of my lectures I actually need to know and how they’re going to assess me, what my exam will be like and how to prepare for it. Basically, I want to be spoon-fed like sixthform.

Home-cooked food

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College food just does not come close to my mum’s lasagne, apple crumble, cottage pie, spag bol, victoria sponge…

A cleaner

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Make my bed and do my laundry please, I’m incompetent. Also my mum bought me a mattress topper, what am I supposed to do with a mattress topper?

Insomnia

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Not sleeping is literally the only way I’ll be able to balance my work, societies and social life.

A new liver

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I’ve been putting my current one through hell, it’s only a matter of time before it completely gives up on me.

A hangover cure

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There are no double sausage and egg mcmuffin meals in Durham.

All of the books, articles and academic journals needed for my course

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I can’t afford to buy them on a student budget and the nerds got to the ones in the library before me.

Last but not least

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Motivation to eat healthily, exercise, attend lectures, participate in seminars, do wider reading and to not stay in bed watching Netflix procrastinating all day.

Love from all freshers and students everywhere xxx