Things I’ve legitimately heard Durham students say

There are some classics

Overflowing with Oxbridge rejects and signet rings, Durham’s chat is definitely one of the worst. Whether you’re still terrified of the North or want to make sure everyone knows that Guava is your choice of mixer, here are some things we’ve overheard you say:

“I was going to do my washing this week, but I’m going back down to London, and I’ll just get my cleaner to do it then.”

“I think I may have whooping cough.”


“I work for Monk.” “Who fucking doesn’t work for Monk?”

“I should have just done a degree in marketing at Cardiff Met.”

“The catering staff are great, but would it kill them to have some bearnaise sauce on offer?”

“I’d never trust anyone that lives north of London.”

“I was keeper of the mallet at Eton” “Yeah, I was Vice President of the Croquet team at Harrow” “A Vice President at a Vice school then?”


“I only drink Grey Goose vodka or port.”

“I’ve never been to a club and not had a table.”

Heard in Jack Wills: “I think I can just guilt trip my mum into buying me these.”

“I got sharked so badly in Klute last Sunday.”

“Shall we go to Subway or Paddy’s?” “Can we go to both?”

“For fucks sake, I can’t believe you pulled our College Mum.”


“What flavour Rubicon are you mixing with tonight?” “Oh, Guava.”

“I get discounted cheese for our dinner parties, because I am ‘Mistress of Cheese’ in Cheese and Wine Soc.”

“What is Stockton?”

“Apparently he’s the only head boy not to get in to Oxbridge in the last 1,000 years.”

“I’m literally the cleverest person in Durham, mate.”

“Are the notes on DUO?” “Of course they are, everything is on fucking DUO.”