Valentine’s is just a day for the needy and insecure

Let’s be honest – Valentine’s day is probably the most insignificant of events in the calendar.

Contrast it with bank holidays. They are by far more exciting a prospect, because we know exactly what to expect: an extra Sunday, on a day that isn’t Sunday. Valentine’s Day, on the other hand, comes with no real expectations beyond two – each of which we despise. The first is the monetisation of a ‘special’ day, whereby sickeningly cringe messages are plastered on cards, boxes of chocolate, and cuddly toys. All of which are then thrust annoyingly in our faces by being unavoidably positioned just inside store entrances.

The second, and arguably worse, expectation from Valentine’s Day is the fact it provides an excuse for needy, clingy and insecure couples to thrust their bile-inducing and repugnant PDA in our faces.

So, the rest of us, who are self-confident and mentally sound enough to see through this farce of a day, would rightly ask: “Why do we have to put up with this shit?”After a long few seconds thinking about this complex and pressing matter, it’s suddenly clear. Of course, we have to endure the marketing of lame and loser products around this time of year, because the insecure people buy the cringey shit en masse.

It’s simply a dual masturbation exercise – insecure people form couples, who each buy the cringey shit because they’re insecure as fuck. The exchanging of the cringey shit temporarily satisfies each other’s  insecure, clingy, neediness. This intricate scientific process is almost certainly all facilitated by dopamine.

Not all insecure people form couples, however. So for them, and the rest of us (especially the single people), Valentine’s Day is a more simple and literal masturbation exercise. That’s chill. We can spend our hard earned cash getting plastered off expensive wines that, having spent the majority of their cash on BS, the insecure couples just can’t afford. Give me a bottle of Barolo or Malbec over some cheap Shiraz or Tesco Cava anyday – even if the latter would hypothetically come with someone to share it with.

Of course, we, the rest of us, not only have more cash lying around due to our non-insecure and potentially single position – we also have the added benefit of more free time. Time which we can devote to philosophising over the important and pressing issues of the world. Such as: “Which came first – the cringey shit, or the insecure people?”