Tatler’s guide to Durham underestimates how posh we really are

Tatler is the posh people’s Bible. For them it might even be more important than the actual Bible.

Each year a guide for pushy parents is created of schools worthy to send darling Hugo to.

This year Teen Tatler featured a guide to uni, so when it wrote about Durham you would expect it to go well. But the posh Bible let down the poshest of unis.

How to get in

The Tatler advises “Apply for sociology (and then switch).” However the best way to get into Durham is to apply for Oxbridge, because you’ll probably end up here. Also can you imagine getting in and then not being able to change? You’d have to do sociology: you would be paying to study sociology.

Doss Subject

Anthropology. Fair enough really – basically the course for anyone who dedicated too much effort at grammar school to sports or extra-curricular activities they forgot about A-levels.

Where you want to live

Tatler are under the imppression that we can choose which college we go to. They also think the Bailey is next to the river. They must have got their geography mucked up because its not true, except Hild Bede, but that’s neither Hill or Bailey – it’s just shit.

Where you don’t

Tatler says: “Anywhere on Cardiac Hill (yes Durham has one too).” Don’t really know what they’re talking about there. Cardiac Hill is on the science site, not on the way to JoBo. What they mean is South Road, but what’s the point in local knowledge when you’re making a guide for future Hatfielders?

You mean you don’t want to live here?

Where to drink

The “Bailey Crawl” is a grinding but ultimately rewarding experience, so at least they’re right on one thing. The full college crawl, including Stockton, is only to be tried by people who haven’t been locked away in a cold boarding school for seven years. Public school teaches you sexual repression, but it can’t teach North East drinking habits.

Best night out

Tatler says: “The popularity of Paradise a new Hawaiian themed night at Wiff Waff on Monday has left 9am Tuesday lectures deserted.”

The Tab corrects: Posh people are really good at pretending things are good when they’re fucking awful. Like Surrey. So when they head down to Paradise wearing vintage clothes they got on Asos Marketplace, they’re actually just lying to themselves.

We have a Polo Club. Enough said

BNOCs

Durham is a city of about three people so its pretty easy for someone to be a BNOC. Named celeb, Will Cracknell told The Tab: “I was quite bemused when I heard. I hadn’t heard of Tatler before, and from what I’ve read since it’s not a publication with which I’d particularly like to associate myself.

“That being said, if I may paraphrase an aphorism of Oscar Wilde, ‘there’s no such thing as bad publicity’, and as such I’d like this ‘accolade’ to be viewed as a stepping stone on my path towards the ultimate goal, which is winning 2019’s GQ Man of the Year. I look forward to our next chat in four years time.”

Don’t Miss

Tatler says: The June Ball.

The Tab corrects: If you were looking for an inclusive and all-encompassing event, look no further: you’re in Durham give up now. This event is a celebration of everything that is broken in Britain, and where men legitimately use canes unironically. Rumour has it that Corbyn has a list of attendees ready for when he leads the revolution.