How to spend literally every waking minute of your day

If you spend your time worrying you’re not being productive, one clever Oxford scientist has planned out each activity in your day to help you get the most out of life.

Dr Paul Kelley has one upped the team who told you what you should have achieved by now, and devised an accurate guide for how to life every waking moment of your life.

According to him, we should be having sex in the afternoon and working till the late hours, when we can go to the pub.

Wakey wakey

9. 30 AM: Wake up

As anyone with a 9am lecture knows, waking up at 9.30 is completely the right time to be awake. If the lecture was so important then they would have scheduled it at an acceptable time. Seeing as you’re not allowed coffee for half an hour it seems odd to even bother waking up now, but Paul has it all figured out so set your alarms.

10 AM: Drink Coffee

Now permitted to drink caffeine, we’re not hungry at this time of the day. Looking for Asprin after a heavy night of black Sambucca, the coffee is needed. Kelley claims: “Around two hours after waking, we’re in a state called sleep inertia.” The hangover you might be nursing can’t prevent you from this half hour coffee break. It’s an essential part of your life now: enjoy.

You’re not hungry, don’t even bother

12 Noon: Start Work

Luckily it’s vague enough to include all forms of “work” like hopelessly flicking through the dissertation proposal that you promised would be written by Monday. “At this age, midday is when the brain starts being productive,” ditzy 20-year-olds are told. Obviously the mid day repeat of Jeremy Kyle is not included in list of “what is productive.”

3 PM: Have Sex

Unless sex is meticulously planned it doesn’t count and it certainly isn’t fun. Sex with someone who likes to have sex at 3pm is normally the best because you’re both soulless enough to think that 3pm sex is fun. Apparently our libido is constantly at its peak. So you should enjoy this short burst of regulated fun. It’s all you’ve got left now.

Rrrrrrr

3.30 PM: Lunch

Obviously half an hour is enough time to have fully satisfying sex, get dressed and wash your hands ready to make some food. That’s just a fact – why spend longer when you could be eating? The European style of eating a big lunch was perfect for those in their 20s. Don’t question it: enjoy that BLT with left-over fries, a curry and a kebab, its okay because you’ve read it in the papers.

5 PM: Exercise

Lung capacity is at it’s highest at this time of the day so take advantage of being able to leave your house and do some exercise. We’re told exercise raises your heartbeat, but so does smoking so its up to you which one you go for. But this three hour exercise time slot will help you connect with the mindless gym bunnies so you’ll soon think this lunacy is normal.

Werq

8 PM: Finish work

After a hard day’s work of nondescript work, and a bit too much time researching whether the spot on your foot classes as a “severe” fungal infection or not, its time to stop work.

8. 30 PM: Watch TV/ Use your iPad

“Could you get the iPad from it’s box as it is now 8. 30 and we can now use it.” This is what you must do now, this is normal. Your life now consists of only what is on at 8. 30, prepare to become very involved with Eastenders and repeats of the news.

9.30 PM: Dinner

Once again you must divulge in “European” eccentric behaviour by having dinner. Strange these EU folks. You’ll need this for the crazy night out of studying, drinking and using your iPad that Dr Paul has structured for you.

10 PM: Study

After achieving so little in the day, it’s high time we sat down and did something worthwhile. We’re at our creative best late at night, but don’t go too far and Jackson Pollock your housemate’s wall. There are deposits at stake.

11 PM: Have a drink

Your life is now filled with structured sex, “European” crazy talk, and studying at night – clearly all that is good and holy like alcohol must also be structured. Drink until you forget the pain of 3 PM sex, drink away.

You’ve earned it

12 AM: Switch off the iPad

That pesky iPad you switched on for the first time since buying it, must now be switched off. It emits blue light, even with the brightness turned down, and nothing messes up your sleep pattern like blue light. Except maybe a fun night out, which you’re not allowed to have.

1 AM: Sleep

Probably praying to be released from this Oxford University endorsed hell, you’re allowed to sleep but only so you can get up at that “lie-in” time of 9: 30.

A camel is a horse made by a committee, but this boffin scientist assures us this daily structure is okay.

As you race from success to success due to your new life plan, your friends will wither away. They’ll claim it’s due to the fact you’re a loser, but you know now that your ex-friends are really just losers without a life structure.