Where to have sex in Durham

You’re in the middle of exams and the stress levels are reaching an all time high.

Sex is scientifically proven to reduce stress, and therefore the obvious solution to all your exam-related crises.

However, if you’re going to take time out from your precious cramming schedule you better make it worthwhile, so here’s a selection of places around Durham which are sure to get you a story for all the post-exams #banter.

Bill Bryson

This one’s really just for convenience since you’ve been here since 8am and the 20 minute walk back home really is too much effort. Sex is a great way to reduce stress, and with YikYak the prime method of communication in Durham at the moment (until all the jokes have been recycled to the point of libel) there are plenty of opportunities to hook up with strangers.

Difficulty rating: With it being as packed as it is due to Durham students’ insane work motivation, it deserves a tricky 8/10.

Palace Green

With the weather warming up and the sun occasionally giving us a cheeky flash, outdoor sex suddenly doesn’t seem like such a ridiculous idea.

For a relaxed, some might say romantic shag, head down to Palace Green and lay yourself amongst the slightly wilting grass.

The open plan nature of this area means that you have to be on your guard, but its convenient location so close to town makes it perfect for those nights when you really want sex but can’t quite face an extended walk home with whoever you coerced into doing it with you because they really are just too ugly to be seen by your housemates.

At least there’s not risk of you waking up next to a 3 the next morning.

Difficulty rating: 6/10

Klute

The mere thought of bits of flesh touching in this bed of “moral turpentine” is enough to make even the bravest of sharks shudder, but getting down and dirty in the worst club in Europe is definitely one to tick off the bucket list.

Finding a willing partner shouldn’t be difficult in this sexually charged hellhole but just in case you want to retain some shred of dignity perhaps try this one with someone you know the second name of.

There are a large number of possible areas where it could take place, from the romantically lit smoking area to the safely lockable men’s toilets.

If you’re lucky enough to have befriended a Klute employee then you might be able to bargain a couple of minutes of absolute privacy in the cloakroom area, but there’s always the downstairs bar on an empty Wednesday night for those not blessed with connections.

If you’re really smashed and have nothing to lose just go all out in true Klute style and bang on the dancefloor. The mass of sweating bodies and gyrating hips will probably mean no one’s even noticed the “insertion” and if you are caught it’s definitely a great story to tell.

Difficulty rating: 5/10

M&S

The height of sophistication, the beacon of civilization, the embodiment of the middle class lifestyle that Durham students so greatly rely on whilst living in the harsh climbs of the North. Sex in M&S may seem like a form of sacrilege, but think of it as your chance to give something back to the supermarket that has given you so much.

Students in M&S are already a slightly suspicious occurrence, so be wary of judgemental eyes watching you as you hover around the ‘finest’ range. The open layout may be excellent at creating a welcoming vibe, but when it comes to getting rampant amongst the perishables it isn’t ideal.

This feat is certainly one that is going to take a lot of planning and a fair amount of imagination, but if you manage it, you can be sure that you’ll never eat their sushi again without a little grin on your face.

Difficulty rating: 9/10

Elvet Riverside

Is there anything more student than having sex in a lecture theatre? The rough fabric, the narrow ledges, the threat of the seat folding up and crushing you together in a lover’s embrace?

If you can withstand the inevitable gum on the seats and slightly dizzying heights, it’s a great place to fool around when you’ve got a gap in your day.

The location may also afford you the opportunity to fulfil your darkest dreams, as you lie back and breathe in the scent of tweed and paper that sensually embodies the middle-aged lecturer who you find so damn attractive but who definitely has a wife and kids.

Just make sure there aren’t any surprise lectures scheduled in your slot, as this kind of extra-curricular activity probably won’t go down that well with your tutor.

Difficulty rating: 7/10

Student Union

Hardly an achievement, head down to the building that the 60s forgot at any point in the year other than Freshers’ Week and you’re pretty much guaranteed a free run.

Take your pick from the bar/ yoga suite, “café” or those randomly allocated brown sofas that are made from surprisingly soft leather to perform the act that you can at least brag about to your home friends who don’t know how unimpressive it really is.

Difficulty rating: 1/10

Butler Mound

Unless you actually go to JoBo the chances of you making the trek up to the infamously irrelevant college are pretty slim, but this is definitely one worth putting on the checklist.

The Mound is at the centre of the college, meaning that it is looked over by a plethora of student and staff windows. The walk up is also quite steep and you’ll probably already be tired from the trek to the college, so this really isn’t a challenge for the faint-hearted (or those with sports injuries).

Once you get to the top it isn’t exactly the most romantic of places, but rather a small circle of tarmac and an awkwardly placed bench. There’s also a rumour of a full set of CCTV in operation at the top, but this shouldn’t be a problem if you take a little inspiration from Channel 4’s Dogging Tales and fashion yourself a cute little wolf mask.

The porters will probably just think they’re observing the natural mating call of the wild, when in fact, it’s voyeurism.

Difficulty rating: 8/10

Your own bed

Because let’s be honest, there’s no point aiming high when it’s the end of second term and you still haven’t given yourself a reason to wash your sheets.

Difficulty rating: You should know