Durham dominates Oxford across this year’s league tables

Sassy Durham smashed well-mannered Oxford in eleven subjects in the 2016 Complete University Guide.

Durham beat Oxford in Archeology, Chemistry, English, French, General Engineering, Geography, History, Russian and Eastern European Languages, Italian, Middle East and African, and Theology.

Durham also out-chimed Cambridge in Music.

Much nicer than an Oxford college any day

The university now has walking space in the top five, placing in the prestigious position for the seventh time in a row.

With 90% of Durham’s subjects placing in the Top Ten, we were only one of four broad-subject universities to achieve this position.

There has been a market crash in Economics, however, as Durham falls from 9th to 23rd, being beaten by the Accrington Stanley (who are they) University, Heriot-Watt. Absent research quality statistics and poor student satisfaction are to blame for the fall.

Meanwhile future EY employees will be crying into their chinos as Accounting and Finance has joined Economics in plummeting down the table. Sports Science must have pulled a muscle as it suffers from “poor form”.

Devastating for Economics 

University big boss Ray Hudson said: “This is excellent news for the University and confirms that Durham is amongst the top broad-subject universities in the country.

“We are particularly pleased that 90% of our subjects are ranked in the UK top ten.

“Durham’s exceptional students and leading academics together create an excellent educational experience that equips our students well for the next stage in their lives.

“Our sustained success is achieved by the truly distinctive nature of our offering, where our world-class academic departments are complemented by our collegiate system that allows students to develop beyond the classroom, a combined education that makes our graduates some of the most sought after in the world.”

Unconfirmed reports suggest he then climbed onto a table and began urinating on a scale model of the Radcliffe Camera.