I cut off my top knot and so should you

The top knot was designed to ruin white boys. It ruins the way you look, your image and any attempt at being a decent human being.

When you don a top knot you are openly admitting to yourself that you want to be a prick. Working on your “brand”, you want to make your love of “house” or “dub” public and undeniable, but in fact it makes you look like a twat.

Only Mulan has ever pulled it off: even samurais struggle. It is never going to work. It is a very sad thing to admit but it doesn’t, and can never work. It must be ended.

So you chose between the undercut and the full-frontal rejection of decorum: growing out the sides long enough to join them up at the back.

Don’t do this. It is awful.

Six-year-old girls would kill for these bunches

It’s curious that a singular type of prick wears the top knot. This is because top knots belong to dickheads.

Longing to escape tragically white, middle-class and Surrey backgrounds, they look to top knots.

It provides something acceptable to their stay-at-home slummy mummy parents, while also being edge enough to justify those endless nights whacked out on MD listening to terrible attempts by other fuck boys DJing.

The moment you wake up you thread your little tuft of hair through a hair band. You practiced it, and you’re proud of it. But it must end.

Your attitude of “I don’t care” or “let me just experiment with my music” is becoming insufferable. Society and your housemates have had enough.

The top knot currently represents the biggest and most collective total lack of original thought content, while also pursuing a desire for everyone to know how “ambivalent” you are.

In profile

Not caring about your hair or what you look like (check them 90s football shirts) is not an endearing trait. Full on rejecting society is sad at best but this is a frantic attempt to be anti-social while actually conforming to an international fashion trend.

Proudlock. He’s responsible. He “usual-ised” and he made acceptable this trend, but people who are idiotic to watch MIC are idiotic enough to think this will look classic on them.

They’re wrong.

Everyone tacitly accepts this: your friends tell you they think it will grow on them. This is because it has been inescapable: TV, internet and BNOCs all think grooming their hair into a bun is cracking.

Society has accepted this as normal or acceptable. So when you see people out with friends with a top knot, you’re not allowed to help them stage an intervention.

It’s my life isn’t it? This is exactly why. When your kids ask you what you did as a twenty-something do you want them to think you’re a prick?

Your kids will cringe and your wife will be confirmed in her thoughts about cheating on you.

Much better

So listen at the intervention, it is literally there to stop your future wife cheating on you and your kids hating you.

Even now, standing at peak-top-knot, there are the anti brigade.

An irrationally deep hatred of the top-knot persists among anyone who is either still rocking a buzz cut from year 11, or hates anyone who has made friends externally of World of Warcraft.

But they misunderstand. They seem to think that people with top-knots are part of the “cool crowd”. But, in truth these people aren’t cool or edge, they just think they are.

And this is for your own benefit: you’re not cool enough. You’re not edge enough, and you chasing it is beyond tragic.

Stop. Reassess your life. Cut it off. Move on. And pray your housemates don’t bring it up.

A new man