Why can’t straight men admit they want to finger themselves?

You know you want to, and here’s how you can


Sex is something important to pretty much anyone in their late-teens.

But shockingly, self-love and mutual masturbation just isn’t getting the love it deserves.

Men, listen up: it’s not gay to enjoy exploring your own body. I seriously can’t believe I have to explain this to you. Once again gay people are coming to the rescue of the put-upon straight man.

Conducting a very unscientific (and totally accurate) survey by asking every male as they came in to Klute whether they have ever engaged in anal masturbation, I discover you’re either all liars, or too many of you seriously don’t know how to enjoy yourself anally.

It’s something of a taboo among straight men and, when asked, couples aren’t that forthcoming with details and I seriously don’t understand why.

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Going to a boarding school and living with adolescent teenage boys it became painfully obvious straight men were more than willing to discuss every intimate sexual discovery, and yet never delved into the world of anal masturbation.

And this was a boys’ boarding house. We knew about masturbation. Someone at my school, aged seventeen, genuinely called it “poo fingered” because straight people are either repressed as fuck or bloody idiots.

When it comes to loving yourself, even at Durham, most straight men seem to think whacking one out in the library toilets in between paragraphs of an essay is somehow the last word in pleasuring yourself. Or at least that’s what most admit to.

One straight friend (I swear I have them) told me: “My boyfriend asked me in the heat of the moment to stick my fingers up there, it was really hot and he always orgasms from it.”

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You might not have ever experienced the joys of anal masturbation but I can guarantee it is not a gay or unclean thing, but rather one of the surest way to either spice up a relationship that might be getting stagnant, or a great way to heighten your wanking joys.

The prostate is what we’re hitting here guys (the male G spot, if you will): if you call it that then images of other bodily functions performed by the ass disappear. This normally goes some way in overcoming hesitations.

Stimulating the prostate increases circulation, is totally painless, and relieves the stress that, as students, we all face. And with exams coming up, it is my duty to teach you what you’re missing out on.

Did I mention the orgasm lasts? Like the high you can never quite get from mandy, because let’s be honest, the shit in Durham mostly consists of bleach and fabric softener.

Okay straight boys (or girlfriend who is fed up faking multiple orgasms and want to flip it up a bit) let’s talk about preparation. Don’t shit the bed. Who has anal without taking a dump? Idiots, and those wishing to get even with people cheating on them (long story).

Also cut your nails. Who even are you? You might do it to women because you’re a heartless bastard but this is your ass, your straight ass, your straight male ass: cut them. Take off your signet ring as well.

Buy some lube. We checked out the best-flavoured ones specifically so your girlfriend could enjoy sucking you off, so if you want a strawberry flavoured anal wank then you can.

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Relax. It’s important to relax.

Get some lube. Relax. Put some lube on your middle finger. Relax. Add pressure to your ass. Relax and massage the area. Relax.

As you become more relaxed, just lie back in bed and slowly insert your finger (use more lube, let’s be honest here). Go slow though, this isn’t a competition: this is an opportunity for you to have a wank that isn’t dependent on the strength of college WiFi.

Although you’re not digging for victory (I doubt Churchill would be shocked, the old dog), but your prostate is about two inches inside.

Go in and move slightly upwards with your finger, there is a ball, like a physically hard ball, and that’s it.

Jackpot. You have found the reason why gay men are so goddamn proud all the time, and why that rugby player you know hasn’t felt the need to settle down with anyone just yet.

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Whack in some jerking and then you’ve achieved your aim: an enhanced wank, or a brand new way to increase sexual pleasure during a hand-job.

There it is. Anal masturbation, it’s so easy and yet for some reason it’s taboo.

Is it the inherent homophobia dominating our society, even in the bedroom? Is it the culture of masculinity preventing men from experiencing this? Or is it because you were never taught by Pornhub (and it was hardly ever going to be taught in Sex Ed)?

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Irrespective of the reason, anal masturbation is a good thing.

Whether this was all just confirming what you already knew, or whether you had no idea (“why on earth did gays have sex like they did” you wondered): the advice is there for the taking.

Or you could just keep depriving yourself of the greatest pleasure you can give yourself, muttering about depravity and secretly spank off to some weird porn about young men and their Russian step-mums.