This is what it’s like to work at the worst nightclub in Europe
Klute staff see everything
Klute is the worst nightclub in Europe by default, after the winning club burned down. The club specialises in cheaper drinks notably the two double vodkas, which customers insist on calling a Quaddie.
And every night, irrespective of the music played, it closes with a sing-a-long of Dean Martin’s “That’s Amore”. One night it didn’t and people refused to leave until they had sung the song till completion.
Klute has a reputation for grimy nights but is also a place where you can find true love – or at least some love.
Third year, Sophie Hicks said: “Two skinny boys were by the DJ booth and it turned out one was wanking off the other. Obviously the boy was enjoying it a lot as they were really kissing.
“Another guy came up to me on the Outside Bar once. He said he’d just had sex in the upstairs toilets but had to leave the girl after it got a bit weird: she’d asked to lick his anus.”
Tasha Taylor recalls: “On a less busy night things escalated quickly between a couple. Her granny pants were revealed before she began to lick his chest. She dropped to the floor and began to try to suck him off through his jeans.
“He tried to pull her up but she was adamant and eventually he ran away into the night, leaving her to down a drink in the corner. Now that’s amore.”
“On one of my first shifts I couldn’t serve a girl because she was passionately being fingered right there on the bar – she still managed to order a double while it happened.”
Geography fourth-year, Rachel Brown confided: “I’ve had to fight my way into a toilet cubicle to re-dress a half naked girl who clearly hadn’t expected her period.
“I re-dressed another girl who reckoned the reason she passed out was that she was allergic to vodka.”
Long-standing bartender Milla Adams was horrified when she found a dead rabbit on the dance floor: “I was about to get rid of it when someone asked me if they could take it home with them since they did taxidermy as a hobby…only in Durham!”
Second year, Sam Light, has seen it all: “I saw a girl minesweeping drinks in the beer garden and among them turned out to be a half pint of sick. I don’t think it was her finest moment.
“I didn’t realise it was sick until she started necking it. She saw off most of it in one gulp before she realised, poor girl.”
Milla remembers discovering shit in the urinal: “There was a rugby social and one of them got dared to shit in the urinals upstairs and did.”
Anthropologist Hannah Sharkey said of a customer’s lost jacket: “Found it at the end of the night. The guy was so happy that he stopped being pissy and tried to give me a tip. He didn’t have any money so gave me a condom instead.
Drinking a pint of piss was another classic Klute incident – his friend told the guy it was a Monster Quaddie. Poor, poor bastard.
While on a lighter note Rachel once found a whole pineapple and a drunk customer insisted on paying a fiver for it.
The people who staff the place have seen the best and the worst that Durham has to offer in customer relations.
Certain customers are such regulars they’ve earned themselves nicknames.
Who doesn’t remember Shoulders? A classic Postgrad who turned up without fail what seemed like every night with his phone glued to his hands and got smashed by himself?
Maybe you’ll remember Vampire Boy who looked like a whiter version of Edward Cullen: a regular who matched with members of bar staff on Tinder.
Or even once-famous 00s star Basshunter who popped in and is lovingly remembered for actually tipping staff. Making a change from picking up coins dropped on the dance floor after closing time.
But Durham does breed a certain type of drunken idiot.
Third year, Tasha Taylor, admits: “One guy told me that it was my job to flirt with him and as his daddy pays him, he doesn’t have to work in Klute.
“Another guy found out I was a Law student and couldn’t stop laughing – he’d never met a poor lawyer.
“Worse was when someone told another staff member they poured ‘like a proletariat.’”
Lucky bar staff often need to bat off over-friendly singletons that spy a potential bang.
Jade Soanes said: “There are constant attempts by people ‘waiting for you after work’ whenever you’re on Cloakroom. One time someone actually waited so I had to put my hood up and run away.”
Socials at Klute can be confusing as fourth year Laura Hyde said: “My friend got with a Buzz Lightyear and then subsequently got with three others later on because she thought they were all the same person.”
“Someone paid £2 to put a wig in the cloakroom. That was weird,” recalls Jade.
Klute isn’t just known for the customer’s shocking antics. Its also known for the grimy interior, filled with a bizarre mixture known as Klute Juice.
One cause of the floor cocktail is the toilets. Laura said: “There are numerous times some wanker tries to flush a cup down the toilet.
The downstairs bar then floods so we have to mop it all up. It’s some poor soul that has to retrieve the cup from the toilet.”
The rubbish wasn’t collected for a while and so bin bags were dumped by the smoking-area. An improvement for Klute: under previous management some areas were converted into makeshift dump.
Klute staff have a cultic loyalty to the place. On nights out they don’t head anywhere else. It’s a home from home for many of the staff and slagging it off is not an option.
Sophie Hicks said: “I was getting kicked out by the bouncers for pushing a girl over, and when bouncers were trying to carry me through the door I held onto the poster opposite the door till. You know the one not there any more? I ripped it off completely.”
Klute staff are also banned from Collingwood after a particularly messy formal where the Vice Principal condemned them as letting the whole college down.
We all have fun, and staff incest rather proves that but that’s Klute isn’t it? Messy, grimy and a tad tragic but still as if that’s going to stop you getting knee deep in Klute tonight.