How to sleep with your lecturer

Who says learning can’t be fun? It’s time for you to finally earn that first class degree

A Cambridge student recently told of their experiences of sleeping with their supervisor.

Let’s not pretend we’re not a little bit jealous; for years we’ve been learning and working under them, with always at the back of our mind the secret hope of actually getting under them.

Given that every uni in the country is in thrall of Cambridge’s league table dominance let’s follow in their solicitous footsteps and learn how to get into the pants of an Academic.

Be female

As much as it pains me to say it, the ability to pull off short skirts and low-cut tops is always a good leg up to getting their legs up.

That’s not to say that guys can’t get in on the action too, you’re just going to have to cope with there being a smaller selection to target.

It’s a sad fact that the majority of lecturers are in their twilight years, and while this tends to give men a certain air of distinguished sexual potency, I’m not really sure the silver fox look extends to as many of the women.

Don’t blame me, blame the BBC presenting standards.

Its a one-sided love story baby just say yes

Be interested in their subject (or at least pretend)

I’m currently doing my lecturer’s module because of a timetable mishap (way to go drunk me clicking the boxes some time back in August) but that doesn’t mean I can’t at least try to look interested.

Sitting in the front row can be a risky tactic, but it’s sure to get you noticed.

Unfortunately, you’re going to be in the company of the typical two types of people that grace these enabling seats, namely the people with special education needs and the scarily intelligent.

You need to quickly distinguish yourself from this crowd as professors never want to be outshone in bed (at least not intellectually).

Things I’ve used to distance oneself from the aforementioned groups would be to roll eyes at every question the clever people ask.

Or a better one is to subtly whistle into that dyslexic voice recorder things the SU give out; it works a gem and they soon move to the other side of the lecture theatre.

Hear about their first bike ride or ride them?

Laugh with commitment

Lecturers rank closely behind lawyers and Robinsons Estate Agents as the worst humoured people on the planet.

Whether it’s the hours of research affording no sign of human contact, or the futility of spending your life on something that will inevitably end up in the Amazon £1 discount section, they’re all fairly miserable individuals.

Attempts at humour are rare and painful, and about as unwelcome as the UTI they are so closely reminiscent of, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t use them to your advantage.

When my New Testament LILF struck out with a painfully irrelevant nonsensical joke, did I laugh?

My God I laughed. It echoed around the otherwise mute theatre and the wiping away of mock tears caught his eye, and I locked in.

Maybe show your professor just how flexible you are

Suggest a trip to the Pub

With only precious few weeks left with the hot lecturer and an ever-approaching summative essay looming on the horizon, I hasten towards step four.

A good trick is the pub. I hate the pub – its normally cold or inextricably hot, beer is foul and it’s full of middle-aged men.

However, sometimes you’ve got to make sacrifices for those you love, or at least those you want to get freaky with.

Music students are well versed in the art of inviting their professors out for a drink the pub.

No one really understands why that department is more pub-friendly than the rest, maybe it’s because of their lack of actual work, but the fact of the matter is they are.

Nailed it

Anyway, it’s time to bring that tradition to the other departments.

My lecturer once made the mistake of mentioning that a “grade might fluctuate because I marked them in a pub.” His Freudian slip is all that’s needed to make my move.

Approach at the end of a lecture in a nonchalant manner, hide the perspiration on your upper lip and casually mention that the whole class was thinking of having a drink on Friday, and would they like to come along.

When they arrive, explain the others are on their way. You’re now technically on a date; and it definitely counts whether they know it or not.

Bring it home

When you feel the time is right, it’s time to make the final move. Make eye contact, lean in closer, (this is after beer number three) and see what happens.

Now it’s up to you. There’s nothing more I can do for you.

For legal reasons this is not a photo of the morning after the night before

Or you could work harder. But that’s much less fun.