How to get everyone in Durham to hate you: A step by step guide

Ever wanted to emulate Prince Harry? Then read on….


Accidentally made too many uni mates? Need to get rid of some? Not a problem. We’ve compiled a list of the best things you can do to ensure you’ll earn the title of Durham’s Biggest Prick.

Prepare for your future on MIC

According to National Statistics, 40% of Durham’s student populace is public school. If you’re lucky enough to be one of the thorough-bred, flaunting Daddy’s cash for all to see gets you a one-way ticket to prick-dom. Shopping in M&S is all well and good, but any plebeian with a student loan could do that, so keep yourself separate from the mob with a weekly Hensley and Hensley delivery to your front door.

Durham’s minuscule size may mean that walking everywhere is easy, but that won’t get you noticed as thirty-fifth in line to the throne. Why risk muddying your deerskin hunting boots when you can travel with ease in your Lambo – daily parking tickets aren’t exactly going to damage your bank balance.

Standard afternoon tipple

Make Oxbridge a continual sore point

Most people here are pretty pleased they got into Durham. Nice Cathedral, collegiate system, well-regarded in The Guardian’s university rankings …what’s not to like?

Actually, bloody everything, and these idiots need to be reminded of it every second of the day. We’re constantly beaten in results tables, most of our colleges lack any sandstone architecture, even our breakdowns lack the panache of Oxbridge’s glorious fifteen-essays-a-week psychotic collapses. After a few days preaching this you’ll find yourself with a nice ‘Prick’ title and no mates to have dinner with. Result.

Dream on prick…

Never wear your gown to formals

Up here in the Bubble we are all about traditions: matriculation, not going up the Cathedral Tower til graduation and hating Hatfield, to name but a few. But of the many there is one that is treasured above all others, the gowned formals. Whether it’s because it’s claustrophobic, goes against your beliefs or you’re just too damn edgy, refuse to wear the prestigious black blanket and you’ll instantly achieve fame as the biggest prick in Durham.

Not quite the gown we were looking for…

(On the other hand, if you really want to fuck shit up, wear your gown to a Collingwood Formal. You’ll never be able to evade death stares on the Hill again.)

Dress head to foot in stash

For ample prickishness get yourself onto a university sports team (ruggers for the lads, lax for the ladies) and make sure to grab yourself some nice stash. Once obtained, never take it off. Ever. In fact, buy two lots of everything so that you don’t even have to take breaks for washing. Make sure all students (and locals) know you spend your life at MC and you’ll be at the top of everyone’s ‘Prick List’.

Team Prick

Excessive trophying

On top of our traditions we also have some pretty nifty artefacts hidden within the hallowed walls of our colleges. And we get pretty protective over them too. Hatfielders did not look too kindly upon the removal of the “Timba the Lion” statue and the de-limbing of Collingwood’s stag caused almost enough outrage to start its own charity. If you want to hit ’em where it hurts and cement the prick status of both you and our entire college, get trophying.

Venus de Staglo

Diss your fam

Here in Durham we are all about the College Fam. Marriages and family dinners are a staple and the prospect of adopting kids is a highlight of the year. So, while you’re being a dick not wearing your gown, go one step further and break the status quo by sticking two fingers up at your ‘parents’. You’ve got your own at home thanks, no need for anymore.

This is sure to cause a stir, you’ll be public orphan number one before you can say ‘whose your Daddy?’

Daddy Issues

Introduce segregation along the Hill/Bailey divide

There is currently a good deal of healthy competition/ hatred between the Hill and Bailey Colleges. But you can take this one step further by championing full on segregation. A series of parameters spanning across Durham, accompanied by separate toilets, changing rooms and water fountains should do the trick. It would certainly make getting to lectures interesting and ensure your name as a BPOC (Big Prick On Campus).

She went there.

Say you’re from Hatfield

College choice is key to your Prick Status. Hatfield has the perfect amount of Parka Jackets and snapbacks for you to amplify your Dick Status.

Exhibit A