What does your room say about you?

Mess

Mess is a big no-no, If you think you might have a special visitor that evening make sure to make your bed, clear the festering mugs and make sure you can remember the last time you changed your sheets. The last thing you want is an unpleasant scent putting you off at the crucial moment or having to walk over an obstacle course of pizza boxes to get to the bed.

Nothing more exciting than stepping on week old pizza in your underwear

A hoard of cuddly toys

One for sentimental value might be acceptable, but any more and I’m going to start asking questions. We’re nearly grown ups now (apparently), leave them at home.

They can take up valuable bed space. Plus what are you? Six?

A double bed

My heart sinks when they open the door and there’s only a single bed. I know I’m in for an sweaty night of no sleep, not in good way. Or a cold middle of the night walk of shame.

A quadruple bed. So much room for activities.

I have been told that a memory foam mattress can make a lady come back for more, as can quality sheets and duck down duvets.

Mood Lighting

No one likes the harsh glow of a college strip light. Invest in some fairy lights or a designer lamp. The right lighting can flatter no end and cover a multitude of sins. Candles can be a brave choice, no one likes a try hard, but a fellow Durham veteran told me “I don’t like candles in the ‘made an effort’ way, but more in a ‘I like to read by candlelight way'”, try to play the romantic intellectual card.

Posters

You are what you have on your walls. Dramatic landscapes are always a winner, but be careful not to stray into cliché and cheese. Personally I’m a fan of irony, I love a comedy One Direction or portrait of the Hoff. Original hand made art shows creative tendencies.

Who doesn’t want the Hoff watching you while you’re trying to get intimate?

Booby posters are a big turn off. With my feminist disposition I am not a fan of the institutionalized objectification of women. In addition I don’t want to think that it’s not necessarily me who’s making you excited. One Collingwood cougar told me she was so disgusted by a Cheryl Cole poster that mid intercourse she managed to rip the poster with her leg.

Photos of friends are good, especially when they show your conquest in them as well. Always nice to know someone has friends.

Size Matters

Presidential flats are a winner. Box rooms are a disappointment.

No one wants to roll out of bed straight into the sink

Personality

For some the site of guitars casually laying about can leave them weak at the knees. An intellectual literature collection indicates a sensitive soul. While, a pair of fancy skiis might indicate a subsidised holiday in the future. I have heard tales of inflatable furniture and faux tiger throws being a bit of a cold shower. A bleak empty room could be the most disconcerting option of all.

“It’s empty, like my heart” Big turnoff.