TabGuide: to House Hunting

House hunting season is upon us again and while the fresh are trudging round the Viaduct, learning that trying to get that perfect house on Hawthorne is more difficult than finding out the time from Joey Essex, our precious weekend lie ins are being interrupted by the now familiar knock at the door.

Looking round other people’s houses is an awkward business, so here are five things you can expect to encounter.

The road to stress

KNOCK MORE THAN ONCE

The estate agent may think it’s ok to go barging straight in – it’s not. Be loud and obvious to avoid seeing things you really don’t need to see. Whether it’s an amorous couple who haven’t seen each other in weeks, or some poor individual who just wanted a shower, remember that not all doors have locks on.

TERRITORIAL SECOND YEARS

No matter when you go over, there is never a good time to wander in to someone’s house and grill them on the mould on their ceiling.

Be gentle, they’ve only been there a few weeks, and it starts to feel like they’re being kicked out already. Oh, and if they want to stay in the house next year, prepare to hear some pretty awful lies to put you off. ‘So, yeah, there’s a ghost. I mean, we’re friends now, but you couldn’t handle it…’

You snooze, you lose.

MESS

Everywhere. Like nothing you’ve ever seen before. Cleaners are a distant memory and nothing gets done unless someone’s parents come to visit.

The rooms are bigger than in college which means more space for random crap. Don’t be surprised if you can’t walk through the hallway for the bikes which no one actually rides, or work out what colour the carpet is due to the mixture of clean and dirty laundry.

Lads, lads, romantic lads

THE UBIQUITOUS BOTTLE COLLECTION

Rather than recycling empty bottles, older students tend to hold on to them to prove to others (and themselves) that they are still wild sods who can have a good time despite the dissertations.

Free surfaces, windowsills and mantle pieces will be tastefully decorated courtesy of Glen and Jack Daniels. It’s worth asking if the impressive beer bottle wall in the yard comes with the house.

RE-ENACTMENT: A degrading fight to the death for a house.

HUNGER GAMES STYLE SHOWDOWN

The landlords know you’re desperate. They also know that the other three groups they have shown round are desperate.

When it comes to finally signing the contract, all rules and manners go out the window: it’s a fight to the death, or at least the front door.

Landlords will pit prospective tenants against each other: fastest signs first, you will be expected to run. And possibly trip up the others. The streets of the Viaduct will resemble the beginning of The Hunger Games without the bow and arrows.