TabGuide: to being a funny lecturer

You know the score: you walk into a room with 100 students, they don’t want to be there, you don’t want to be there, you spend an hour grappling for their attention, you go home hating yourself and all you stand for.

This isn’t how you’d planned it, you’d always wanted to be a stand up lecturer, the ones who inspire their audiences with witty quips and creative banter.

Well, in just a few easy steps even you can go from Inkey Jones to Richard McCourt (look him up and you’ll realise what a big deal that is).

Appearance

Bill knows his shit…

First impressions are everything, and it’s a little known fact that they can be made before you’ve even opened your mouth. Think extremes with your appearance. Try having a big bushy beard, a plunging neckline or maybe even put on a limp. You’ll have the lecture hall on your side even before you’ve unleashed your first gag.

Lecture-based humour

A strong start and a great ice breaker to ease the audience into your humourous style of lecturing. Tried and tested favourites include “Sit a bit closer, I don’t bite!!” and “The computer seems to be having a bad day!!”. Riotous.

Location-specific humour

Guaranteed to get an audible exhale of mirth, make a joke to which everyone can relate. Tell them that you’re late because you’ve had a mad one in Klute. You know you weren’t there, they know you weren’t there, but it works. And that’s what matters.

Swearing

I’ve seen this method sending an audience into fits of sniggers. The odd swear word, steering clear of the c’s and the n’s, is not only really really funny but also shows how in touch you are with the language of the youths. Be creative though, you have to show that you are both cool enough to use swear words and eloquent enough to use them wittily . Try adding alliteration into the mix if you really want to pack in a punch.

Make witty remarks about source material

You’ve got a picture of Jesus being crucified, everyone’s seen it before, it’s boring mate. But that’s before you drop the side-splitting “Looks a bit painful, doesn’t it?”. The mix of surprise and realisation will send them reeling.

Say normal things in a funny voice

If all else fails and they just aren’t buying your carefully prepared and refined material, then don’t give up hope. There is one alternative which, as any stand up lecturer will tell you, can turn a bad gig into a roaring success. Conduct your lecture as you normally would, but every now and again say your quotations in an accent. It doesn’t have to be good, it doesn’t have to be relevant, it just has to be noticeable foreign.

You’ll probably get fired, but then at least you can start your real stand-up career!

And for god’s sake, don’t let the tables be turned…