Hockeygate: Sheffield’s bitter report of Durham slaughter!

Sheffield University Men’s Hockey 1st XI bent over and spanked by DUHC 2nd XI, respond by publishing hilariously bitter match report.

Last week, Sheffield were unceremoniously slaughtered by Durham’s 2nd XI hockey team that, despite claims to the contrary, The Tab has been assured was made up of a majority of what one Durham hockey player described as ‘very much 2nd team players’.

Sheffield clearly got a little upset about being bent over and spanked by the boys in Palatinate – or maybe we’re misreading the situation, we’ll let you decide. Below is the extraordinarily bitter (and may we say, unsporting) match report.

But first, we have a suggestion for the SUMHC 1st XI – learn how to lose gentleman. Moreover, when you come from a minor university to Maiden Castle – expect it. Especially when you score own goals, then you really have to hold your tongue.

The following is taken from a Sheffield University Men’s Hockey Club Match Report that can be found at

Match Report: SUMHC 1st XI vs Durham 2nd XI

First BUCS game of the season. First opportunity to show our worth as a unit and as individuals. First away day on the good bus. First time to get #upthepeas going viral.

The black and gold boys arrived and quickly settled in the luxurious surroundings of Durham’s sports centre. The team talk was slightly delayed by Clean Shirt going for a shit and taking his time about it. That’s what pre-game nerves do to a man’s bowels, like a brown river flowing of the edge of a cliff. Falcon and Chuck inspired the boys, but in reality no one needed telling what a good start to a BUCS campaign means. Unfortunately that wasn’t to be the case.

Durham, in an embarrassingly un-sporting act, had filled their team with 1st team players, who didn’t have a game. 8 of them. 8. EIGHT. That’s 8 out of 11 men on the pitch. That’s 73% of the starting line-up. We knew they might stick a couple in, but 8 is just silly. It’s like reading the Olympic charter and then having a piss on the torch. Before I’m accused of bitterness I’ll come right out and admit that I am bitter. Bloody bitter. This was an opportunity for SUMHC’s finest and it was taken away from us before the match even started. Let’s spare a thought for their regular 2s players as well, stuck on the shit pitch playing for their 3s. Are they not trusted to play for the 2s? Are Sheffield really so fearsome? Call me old fashioned, but I believe in sportsmanship. I can’t condone such a slimy act of gamesmanship.

Anyway, emotional rant aside. The game started as it seemed destined to, Durham dominating the midfield exchanges with certain players head and shoulders above the normal level of the league. Durham took an early lead through a knee height crash ball that Mr Toad finished wonderfully into Falcon’s bottom corner. OG. 1-0.

Durham extended their lead shortly after through some disgraceful umpiring. A Durham forward burst forward into the D and Falcon came out to meet him, and quite frankly did the best thing he’s done on a hockey pitch in about 4 years, stretching full length to his left to pluck the ball off the end of the attacker’s stick. Unfortunately the home umpire thought otherwise and gave a flick, ignoring the fact Falcon got the ball and Blozza and Scissor were back on the line. Nice one. Flick goes bottom corner. 2-0.

Half time was alright, Lurch wasn’t there so we didn’t get any sweets.
The 2nd half started much the same as the first, with Sheffield defending deep, Blozza and Mr Toad starring at the back. Mr Toad really is like a better version of Stallion. Durham went 3 and then 4 up however, 2 penalty corners (both slightly dubious) were dispatched by their 1st XI drag flicking bearded ginger. Durham threatened a few more times, not helped by Barry Chuckle’s first ever yellow card sliding in behind the man and failing to get much on the ball. Sensible hockey from that man.

4-0 was how it ended, the difference in class was all too obvious. That being said, the boys fronted up well against the odds, and all 4 Durham goals had a slice of fortune about them. It did get worse though, Durham didn’t want to do a boat race, Hallam did but we couldn’t as Durham don’t sell pints. What the f is that about.

The bus home saw the worst onion off in history, won by Mr Toad (shock). Schmidt the shit bag had about ¼ of his onion, but worst of all was Clean Shirt and Khal Drogo bringing pickled onions and being super smug about it. Bellends. Another excellent turn out at revs and roar, except bloody old Schmidt and Scissor, who is back under the thumb. Mr Toad got his grease out all over Lost, and Gnashers sealed the deal with Mojo. Early reports are that he is very much in love. Cute.

The day in numbers:
8- The number of 1st team players in Durham’s 2nd team.
0- The number of pints available for purchase in the Durham bar.
3.20- The price of a bottle in the Durham bar. £3.20 for a bottle!? Jesus wept.
49- The number of times the C-bomb was dropped when talking about Durham’s selection policy.