Let them eat art!

Dear esteemed Vice Chancellor,

I am writing to express my appreciation at the university’s recent acquisition of £1.4m worth of art to adorn the walls of the new Palatine Centre. It is truly inspiring to see our money spent in our best interests.

Andrew loves pretty things. And beer. Everyone loves beer. But also pretty things.

I sincerely hope that my fees will be rapidly increased again in order to provide more money to spend on exquisite art and not on needless luxuries such as proper heating in university buildings, better sports facilities, or fixing the sewage leak in the library.

Definitely in our best interests.

I absolutely do not feel you should compromise the University’s promising policy of buying expensive artwork by spending money on facilities for the student population.

I must insist this policy continue until the students of St Chad’s college are immersed in formaldehyde in the style of Damien Hirst and the buildings of Collingwood are stuck together in an unusual fashion resembling a cubist Georges Braque painting.

I also strongly feel that the recent flooding in the Elvet Riverside building needs to be immortalised immediately in a wood block print, similar to that of the ‘Great Wave off Kanagawa’ by Katsushika Hokusai – long before you even consider fixing the electrics.

A distant art obsessed relative of Marie Antoinette.

I don’t know if you have seen the beautiful daffodils outside St Mary’s college, but before they are tarnished by the presence of the student populace, I demand you immediately commission Vincent Van Gough to paint them. I know they are not sunflowers, but I hope he will accept a new flower related challenge.

Of course, there’s no need to worry about the poorly equipped gym, bar and unfinished tarmac just round the corner. They are but a nuisance that should conveniently disappear of their own accord, given time.

l must also press you to commission Rembrandt to paint an enormous picture of the workforce of Durham University, in a style akin to his famous work ‘The Night Watch’. I know some of them aren’t paid a living wage yet, but I’m sure some expensive 17th century Dutch military costumes will resolve that issue immediately.

Negligible problems such as leaky sewers. Fear not, daffodils will brighten your day.

Furthermore, I feel it is utterly crucial to immediately commission L. S. Lowry to paint the hordes of people leaving sixth form colleges around the country in his distinctive style. People don’t seem to understand that they don’t need bursaries to help them into the otherwise unaffordable prestigious Durham University, they need instead to be painted.

I also feel strongly about improving catering facilities throughout the University. I demand that you commission Michelangelo to paint all the roofs of every dining hall. During my full 38 week-let I feel that the 8 weeks left without food would be best be spent appreciating the work of a true master.

To conclude, I urge you to consider my recommendations seriously. I know that during your University days you were starved of such beautiful artwork, in a sadder time where education was free and money was focused on student facilities. Thank you for your time.

Yours faithfully,

An average Durham student