Moneypenny’s got Competition

From femme fatales to ice queens, ROZ WIKELEY asks which Bond girl are you?


“ubiquitous symbols of glamour and sophistication.”

Impressing your grandchildren with that romantic tale featuring yourself and their grandfather in the smoking area of Loveshack does not have quite the same effect as pointing yourself out to the kids on the TV at Christmas next to Sean Connery.

It is a stamp, a legitimacy token, an exquisite mélange of siren and self-reliance. Bond Girls transcend time, like fine wine they only get better, their faces becoming more iconic as the original tapes gather dust.

Alas, now that we’re all too old and withered by northern weather, nasty shots and Benny’s impressive geo-gastronomic foresight…we should maybe let go of that dream.

Let’s all get excited about that fact that fifteen years of intense academic sweat later and the most we can hope for is Miss Moneypenny’s slot in the Vauxhall Office – the one whose not as fit as the others, who never gets to shag Pierce Brosnan and whose pay is, no doubt, testament to her ‘glamorous’ surname.

If you wanted to be famous you applied to the wrong Uni  – check out the alumni page on wiki… it’s up there with Aberystwyth University for ‘notables’. Please do not write at the bottom of this article that Roger Moore went to Hild Bede…he did…he left in first year…telling…

But with the much anticipated release of ‘Skyfall’, old wounds are bound to be re-opened. Surely you’ve wondered which Bond Girl you are most similar to?

Inspired (and depressed) by the Bond exhibition this summer at the Barbican, particularly the breathtaking designs for the girls, I’ve picked the top beauties from the briefcased boxset….with a few Durham suggestions…

Are you HONEY RIDER? (Ursela Andress from ‘Dr. No’)

Are you the body?

A l’air de ‘low maintainance’ ?

Do you bare more than you should on a night out?

Do you keep weapons in your bikini?

Flemmings fun fact: Lived in a cellar till she was 15.

Durham suggestion: N/A

 

Are you TATIANA ROMANOVA? (Daniela Bianchi from ‘From Russia with Love’)

Are you fine-boned, tall and elegant?

Are you ‘sexually unawakened’

Do you lure boys back with a promise of black ribbon?

You have a few polo necks in your wardrobe?

Flemmings fun fact: she was dropped from the Russian ballet when she grew an inch over regulation height.

Durham suggestion: TBC…

 

Are you JILL MASTERSON? (Shirley Eaton from ‘Goldfinger’)

Are you renowned for liking a bad boy?

Do you get carried away with face and body paint at socials?

Boy’s- shirt-no –knickers –I – just had sex again- look?

Enjoy life behind ‘closed d’ors’

Fleming’s fun fact: She dies from asphyxiation after being covered with gold paint.

Durham Suggestion: Lucinda Cameron (suivant nepotism intended..)

 

Are you PUSSY GALORE (Honore Blackman from ‘Goldfinger’)  James Bond: Who are you?
 Pussy Galore: My name is Pussy Galore.
James Bond: I must be dreaming…

Are you flexible?

Immune to masculine ‘charm’ ? (considered an attitude not an attribute in Durham)

Inspired by Britney’s outfit in ‘Toxic’ video?

Competitive with boys? A power dresser at work? Vicious shoulder pads?

Fleming’s fun fact: ‘The only violet eyes Bond had ever seen’

Durham Suggestion: TBC…

 

 Are you SOLITAIRE? (Jane Seymour from ‘Live and Let Die’)

Do you dress like a gypsy?

Have you caught onto the bindi trend?

You have inclinations, foresight and know a bad influence when you see one?

Fleming’s fun fact: She’s a virgin – only through remaining a virgin does she retain her ‘psychic’ powers…

Durham Suggestion: Lucinda Moore

 

Are you ANYA AMASOVA, AGENT XXX? (Barbara Bach from ‘The Spy Who Loved Me)

Like the ‘wet look’ hair style?

Ever been caught in the act?

More records than the KGB?

Close your texts with three kisses?

Fleming’s fun fact: She can never bring herself to kill Bond.

Durham Suggestion: Millie Jessel

 

Are you MAGDA? (Kristina Wayborn from ‘Octopussy’) – Miss Sweden 1970!

Are you blonde, extremely athletic and intelligent?

Chameleon dress sense? – Tailor your dress sense to please others/ seduce, reduce people? Dress to impress/ oppress?

Steal valuables from boys’ rooms as trophies?

Strong on the Studio dancefloor?

Flemings fun fact: She’s an expert pick-pocket, a talent used in Octopussy’s circus whilst the main acts are running.

Durham Suggestion: Josie Studd/ Verity Allanson

 

Are you MAY DAY (Grace Jones from ‘A View to a Kill’)

Do you have a ‘killer instinct’?

Have a fierce dress sense and have a perennial love affair with hooded garments?

Adrenalin junkie – particularly for heights?

Your determination to not waste your Freeman’s membership has led to some unsightly muscular developments.

Flemings fun fact: She shoves Bond in a river..in a car boot…in a case

Durham Suggestion: William Louche/ Harriet Pinnington 

  

ARE YOU LUPE LAMORA? (Talisa Soto from Licence to Kill)

Is your boyfriend a drugs baron?

You’re good with cards and frequent Newcastle’s casino’s and Durham’s William Hill?

Your accent is your best weapon?

You like a low cut dress?

Flemings fun fact: She has scars on her back from her boyfriend beating her.

Durham suggestion: Livvy Wells (minus scars, gambling addiction, and Baron)/ Alicia Manley

 

Are you NATALYA SIMONOVA? (Izabella Scorupco from Goldeneye)

You’re great with computers, maybe too good, you discovered limewire before your pals way back when. NASA phoned your Mum.

You love skirts and silk underwear as much as you love space and modern weapon technology?

You say it how it is! Natalya: How can you act like this, how can you be so cold? 
Bond: That’s what keeps me alive.
Natalya: No. That’s what keeps you alone.

Fleming’s fun fact: Couldn’t find a good one but the actress claimed she starved herself, only drinking water for a mere few months to get into shape for the film??….

Durham suggestion: Nacchi Bolton

 

Are you WAI LIN (Michelle Yeoh)

You love gadgets, you waited like a crack addict outside Apple for the iphone 5

You have a thing for black PVC

You rode a motorbike on your gap year with your friends and set it as your cover photo for facebook.

You have a talent for peeping and picking locks

Flemmings fun fact: She grew up rough on the streets, hence her tough girl attitude and ability to slink off after nights out, unnoticed.

Durham Suggestion: Lulu Brandt

 

Are you ELEKTRA KING? (Sophie Marceau from ‘the World Is Not Enough)

You enjoy torturing men?

You ski like a dream and know how to dress for the slopes?

You brood on things, can’t let things go, retain a distasteful bitterness for people for years…the bitch that stole your man at the school disco is still regularly facebook stalked?

You have a nasty streak/ a chip that occasionally surfaces after one too many?

Fleming’s fun fact: She cuts off her ear and sends it to her Daddy when held captive.

Durham Suggestion: Isabella Conry (big toe) /Lucy Swinton

 

Are you MIRANDA FROST? (Rosamund Pike from ‘Die Another Day’)

Member of Durham’s Fencing Team?

Bit of an ice queen?

Always up for a cat-fight outside Loveshack?

Find chatting up men challenging: ‘I know all about you – sex for dinner, death for breakfast”?

Fleming’s fun fact: She seduces Bond using a swan shaped bed…

Durham Suggestion: Olivia Van Vredenburch

 

Are you VESPER LYND? (Eva Green from ‘Casino Royale’)

Good with numbers? Keep a tab on boozing?

Rather a cocktail than a quaddie?

You’re a rarity, despite your beauty your lure men in with your personality first…

You have a deep, dark secret that you swallow each night before you sleep like a nasty shot of tequila, burning the back of your throat?

Fleming’s fun fact: Fleming based Lynd on the real life Special Operations Executive agent Christine Granville.

Durham Suggestion: Harriet Wildgoose/ Emma Pybus/ Harriet Bamford

 

THOUGHTS ON NEW BOND GAL?

 

The inspiration for some of Fleming’s Bond girls may be Muriel Wright. She was “exceptionally beautiful”. A talented rider, skier, and polo player, Wright was independently wealthy and a model – obsessed with Fleming even though he cheated on her time again. He was devastated when she died and never truly overcame his loss.

As Durham girls, fame and glamour aside, I think we can all take a leaf out of the books of these femmes fatales. They are all independent-minded, smart, make the most of what they’ve got and make the most of what’s available. Often in competition with men for recognition and respect, they dress in an almost masculine, assertive fashion, saving more feminine pieces for emergency back-up. Let’s learn from the masters – they know what they want, they know how to get it…neither shaken, nor stirred. 

The Tab Durham

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