THE TAB’S GUIDE TO: QUALIFICATION FOR RIO 2016

The Tab takes a look at the events that will give you a fighting chance of representing the Union Jack in four years’ time…


If, like me, you were glued to the TV for two weeks solid with a severe bout of Olympic fever this summer, washing and eating as infrequently as during some of the darkest days of Football Manager (Addictedness Rating: ‘This is my life and I’ll do what I want with it’, in case anyone was wondering), then you’ll no doubt have asked yourself the same question I did… How can I qualify for Rio 2016?

Now, as someone who possesses a relatively mediocre level of athleticism, I immediately turned away from track and field in search of more niche events in which I might have an better chance of success. Realistically, I’m unlikely to be in contention for a Heptathlon medal in four years time, nor is it probable that I will represent Great Britain in the 10,000m. Jess and Mo, you’re safe for now.

Nevertheless, all hope is not lost for those of us who enjoy the Unay lifestyle rather too much, opting for the late night scampi & chips rather than the early morning strength & conditioning. Here are a few of the disciplines in which you’ll have the best chance of qualifying, bagging yourself mountains of Team GB stash and a free holiday to Brazil in the process…

TABLE TENNIS: I was lucky enough to watch the Men’s semi-finals this year, and didn’t fancy my chances against eventual winner Zhang of China, who did a demolition job on the helpless Ovtcharov of Germany. But Team GB’s representative, Paul Drinkhall (ranked 106 in the world), crashed out in the first round, and anyone willing to put in the hours on the table in the next few years should stand a good chance of qualification.

Drinkhall sporting an absolutely rank lid

SHOOTING: Another fairytale for Team GB was Peter Wilson’s Gold in the Double-Trap Shooting. Durham’s gentrified clientele will probably already be familiar with this sport and, indeed, those of you who were raised in the green pastures of Oxfordshire will no doubt already have a head start on the competition. So swap those plump pheasants for some clay pidgeons and get practicing for your future bid to enter the Olympic hall of fame…

ARCHERY: the surprise hit of the Olympics, this somewhat old-fashioned sport gripped the nation, generating a level of excitement not seen at Lords since Flintoff decided to have a bowl in the 2009 Ashes. Two-time Olympic Gold medallist from Korea, Im Dong-Hyun, is clinically blind and barely able to see the target (he relies on ‘feel’ instead), so it really can’t be that difficult, though a steady hand is absolutely essential. And ladies, don’t think archery is in any way uncool: if you’ve seen the sexy Jennifer Lawrence tearing shit up with the bow in Hunger Games, you’ll know why…

The only thing worse than these hats is Drinkhall’s lid

Jennifer adopts the classic ‘claw’ grip on the bow’s shaft

HANDBALL: GB only qualified for this competition by virtue of their being the host nation, and they were absolutely awful, losing all five of their group matches. Nevertheless, the team attracted unprecedented levels of support from the home fans in the Copper Box and, considering the team was formed only 6 years ago, they gave it a good go. Ultimately, however, they were really shit, and so you shouldn’t have much difficulty getting into the team, although whether they’ll even qualify for Rio is another question altogether.