Das Schweff Invasion

Our German Exchange Student explores the phenomenon of ‘Schweffs’

german michael maus Schweff


Guten tag. This is my second article writing about the merits of Durham, whilst I am on my year out from Hamburg, Germany. I want to explore the phenomenon of Schweffs- recently I was introduced to a blog called ‘Fucking Schweffes.’ At first, I believed this to be BBW porn, as the word ‘Schwer’ in my native tongue means hefty. My friend then explained that schweff was in fact an English term for a particular type of man. My past experiences in Berlin fetish clubs kicked in again and I misunderstood and believed this website to be many schweffs fucking.


However eventually I opened the link in the privacy of mein home and found it to be a gallery full of these so called ‘schweffs.’ (Link is given at the end of the page). As I recognise the type of man from my short time at Durham, this article will explore how to recognise a schweff, what their habits are and how to avoid coming into contact.

How to spot a Schweff: Firstly, check his expression– the commonschweff will have half closed eyelids and a slightly hanging jaw due to inbreeding and the weight of his stubble. Dress sense is another giveaway. Popped collars are a sign of mating dominance, and the more lurid the colour of his trousers, the smaller his frankfurter. In Germany this sort of frivolity would not be acceptable- this is why we banishedSchweff-Fuhrer Hasslehoff.


The lesser spotted schweff is slightly more subtle- but much more dangerous. He can blend in with normal people, and sometimes appear even quite cultured- but a litmus test is his behaviour when drunk. I have heard stories of schweffes dancing on tables, whilst their frauleins cheer them on. I can only hope these are myths.

The habits of Schweffs: Schweffs are ‘pack’ animals who are rarely spotted without their ‘mates.’ This group dynamic helps them to secure mating activity from frauleins they spot at watering holes. When approaching these women, their pack mentality dissipates, and it becomes every schweff for himself.


Schweff will cockblock schweff so that they can be the hero to go home with the girl. A simple sign tells you to clear the area- one hand, finlike on their head, signals that a male is about to strike. Unless you want to be covered with a combination of VKs, semen and vomit, evacuate the area- and if you do I have a cousin in Schleswig-Holstein who you should get in touch with.

How to avoid Schweffs: This is like avoiding wolves/facism in Bavaria. It is a simple fight or flight scenario. However, their visibility (loud clothes, loud voices and often table dancing antics) allows you the flight tactic, so long as they didn’t appear in the ‘rugger’ team at school. In this case, flight is out of the question and so to fight is one’s only option.


Like Samson and Achilles, they have one fatal flaw- in the midst of battle if you fold their collar down, they lose heart, seem disorientated and have to be taken to the nearest pub for re-schweffing. I hope to God you don’t have to resort to this, but it is a last resort.

I wish you all the very best and I will be back soon, bringing the most pressing Durham issues to The One with my Merkel-esque wit.

Link to ‘Fucking Schweffes’ gallery– http://fuckingschweffes.tumblr.com/.

Auf Wiedersehen.