9am? I’ll be FIIIIINE!!

They say the truth comes out when you’re drunk. Whether you pass out in the middle of the club, windmill in the smoking area or dance like this lapdance is here for free, Dutch courage affects everyone in a wide variety of ultra amusing ways.

But when the stupor subsides and the beer goggles come off, unless you are a freak of nature you’re going to be in possession of the highest contributing factor to the desertion of Thursday morning lectures – the hangover. An all too common affliction, dehydration, increased urine production combined with your liver working overtime does not a top o’ the morning make.

Extensive experience in the field, mainly due to the extremely central location of my pad meaning the sofa serves many a sensitive soldier at some point most days, has allowed me to deduce that as there are different drunks, there are also increasingly varied experiences of the morning after…

A) The Wet Blanket
Common among the female of the species, the wet blanket becomes a walking ball of emotion the morning after. Be it an advertisement about the plight of lame donkeys, the Wikipedia translation of an Italian Aria or the fact that there are no more bagels; anything will set them off. Often evoked by last night’s conquest leaving at 7am without so much as a Goodbye with the excuse of a full day of engineering lectures. Gutted.

B) The Muncher
Ladies, calm down. The muncher is often quoted the next day to be “Eating through the hangover”. Home baking is encouraged, eating a whole lasagne for lunch, standard. Only grease and stodge will do – the fact that there are two Greggs in Durham is not questioned, rather positively commended. Should probably wait until the afternoon before driving to McDonald’s.

C) The Get-Up-And-Go
The most annoying of all the hangovers (trust me, I live with one), the get-up-and-go has the unfathomable ability to have been to the gym, done their weekly shop, cleaned up the remnants of last night Ouzo from the kitchen counter and settled down to the final chapter of their dissertation before you’ve even risen from the toilet bowl. Let’s face it; they’re just better than you in every way.

D) The Invalid
The invalid seems to forget that by definition the hangover is self inflicted, and demands sympathy in the form of apple and mango juice (“I can’t manage solids quite yet”), three duvets and every pillow in the house. Will usually not emerge from their room until 3pm when they will proceed to hog/clog the toilet with their stomach lining. Totally useless – even small tasks make you wonder if they were dropped at birth. Usually a pre-conceived, reoccurring reaction – will somehow send remarkably coherent emails to their Departmental Secretary at 2.30am with seminar apologies. Thank god for Smartphones.

E) The ‘The Six O’clock News is on and the rooms still spinning.’
Still being drunk well into the next afternoon isn’t as fun as it sounds. Usually occurs after an essay hand in/birthday celebration/first term of first year. Also known to creep into the day after the day after and usually provokes the timeless student maxim of “I’m never drinking again”. The traditionally loose willpower of the bearer means that this notion is usually abandoned as soon as a meal can be kept down.

Those of you that don’t get hangovers… shut up or drink up. And to quote ‘The Hangover’ (original, I know), if you can’t remember a thing about last night, you obviously had a great f***ing time.