How Not To Pull

Valentine’s Day in Klute is easily the best night of the year to pull in Durham. A kind of filter is applied in that all the couples are loved up, away from the night-out scene, leaving a mass of singletons ready for action.

Girls will be lonely and in need of someone to ‘hold’ them, guys will be ready to pounce on this desperation. And let’s face it, if you’re going to pull anywhere, it’s going to be Klute.

The following moves are used frequently across Durham, most often without success, so if you want to get lucky this Valentines, take my advice, and don’t be this person:

The Lurker

You hang around him or her in the bar…if they happen to find themselves in the smoking area – lo and behold – so do you! This is not a subtle tactic, and no matter how much you look like you’re ‘looking for friends’ or ‘going to the toilet’, they will know otherwise.

If you want to talk to them, do it. If you haven’t got the guts to do it, go away. It’s more humiliating to hang around and hope they might talk to you, and to be fair, if all you do is lurk, the thing they’ll most want to say is “F*ck off!”

The Groper

In Klute last night I watched a guy try and fail to pull my friend. What did he do wrong? The instant he struck up a conversation, he wound his arm around her waist. Now kudos to him for coming up to her and chatting, but by employing this dominating move he rendered his target uncomfortable, and made himself seem either lascivious or as if he were marking his territory, both massive turn-offs.

Girls too can be guilty of too much contact too soon, and although I’m imagining some guys might like this (the number of girls straddling guys in Klute is testament to this), generally it’s a bit much. Touching someone is not a right, it’s a privilege: don’t abuse it.

The Lunger

You’re chatting away and things are going well, so you decide to go in for the kill. Sometimes people find their advances rejected at this point, and have no idea why. Well, just as we were taught with traffic lights as kids, with a pull you need to STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN.

Stop for a moment – is this too soon, am I getting carried away, is the target definitely game? Look at the target’s body language – is it positive and open towards you, are their eyes giving you answers? Listen to their tone of voice and what they’re saying – do they seem comfortable, are they engaging with you? If the answer to any of these is no or maybe, give it a bit more time to make them more relaxed and up for it.

The Tease

STOP EYE-F*UCKING IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING MORE! Girls are more guilty of this move, but boys, you do it too. If you’re making the eyes at someone, and they reciprocate, the next logical step is to follow up this flirting foreplay.

I don’t know if it’s a lack of confidence or uncertainty the eye-sex is mutual, but either way, if there’s potential there, you have very little to lose by going over and talking. There are so many wasted opportunities when it comes to this: consider that if there’s this much chemistry produced just through glances, there could be a whole lot more from actually talking.

The Grinder

Similar to The Groper, but they take their moves to the dancefloor, and rather than start a conversation, they think they somehow have the right to jam their pelvis into the derriere of the nearest female. Likewise, so many girls they think they can just drape themselves on a guy in the middle of Sexy Bitch.

Unless you’re so hot you can get away with it, this move just screams desperation. Such intimate physical contact with someone when you can't properly see their face is not appealing, so it's a case of a little more conversation, a little less action please: let your words charm her before you show her what your body can do.

So I expect to see none of this amateur work in Klute tomorrow, and wish all of you a fun-filled night, however you plan to spend it.